


Broken

by CanIHazJohnlock



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-02
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-01-03 06:26:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanIHazJohnlock/pseuds/CanIHazJohnlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has a history of depression and self harm.  To try and get him better, his mother uproots their family and moves them to Lawrence, Kansas.  Will Castiel let his insecurities overwhelm him, or will a new love interest help him to see the world a new way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fragile

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very emotional story for me because it reflects my own life struggles.

I cling to my books carefully as I walk unnoticed in the hallways. Dark hair, blue eyes, and glasses aren't exactly a formula for instant popularity. 

I've been attending Lawrence high school for a total of 3 days and my experience has been less than satisfactory. I guess I should start from the beginning.

I was born on December 17th, 1996 in Shannon, Mississippi. My father was a unemployed abusive alcoholic, and my mother was the secretary at the church. 

No surprise, my father left when I was 5. 

I encountered bullying for the first time when I was 8, and it never really stopped. I have the classic high school sob story. 

I was removed from my past school because I was, in terms of my doctor, "Too unstable to handle the effect my environment has on my depression and suicidal tendencies." 

So here I am, 600 miles from my hometown and still nothing has changed. 

Doctors have this issue where they look at people with depression like they're fragile and broken. 

I'm not fragile or broken, I just don't want to feel. 

There was a specific person at my old school that was the root of everything. His name was Raphael and he was king of the mountain. 

When I was a freshman I realized I was gay and from there everything just felt wrong. 

Growing up in a southern town with a religious family made coming out almost impossible. 

My mother was the other problem I faced. She named me after an angel, and I was far from what she had hoped. 

My brother Gabriel was my only hope but even he couldn't understand. They all looked at me like I was some lost little boy. 

My grades started slipping around then and that's when I first discovered the beauty in a blade. The way blood glossed on the edge after I cut was almost magical. 

I would cut and everything would seem to loose its gravity. I could dream and then the world would be alright. 

Lawrence was a tactical move. My mother loved me enough to try to 'do what's best for me' yet not enough to actually ask me how I felt.  
The only one who asked was Meg. Meg had been my only friend all my life. 

She was there for me when my dad left, she was there for me when I came out, and she was there for me when she first noticed my scars. 

I hid them well. I became infamous for my 'gay boy bracelets'. Oh how cruel and inventive they could be. 

It all came to a height when this boy Balthazar asked me on a date my junior year. I thought he was sweet and I decided to take a chance on him. 

I got dressed after hours of Meg telling me I needed a new wardrobe and felt like maybe everything was starting to get better. 

He was kind and cute and practically everything I loved in a man. He told me to wait for him outside this club for teens, and I did. 

For 2 hours. I waited alone and then finally, he came. 

He and 7 of his friends, specifically Raphael. They beat me, within an inch of my life and in those hours before someone found me, I screamed for them to finish the job. 

Needless to say, I never went back. When I got admitted into the hospital, they noticed the deep scars on my thighs and lighter ones on my wrists. 

They did a full body search and found all my little places, the balls of my feet, my ankles, all over my arms, my stomach. 

There was a never ending parade of people after that, all asking the same mind numbing question, "Am I okay?" 

The daze wore off after a few weeks and my life was less populated. Meg came everyday. 

She informed me that Balthazar, Raphael and their friends had gotten an alibi for the time of the attack and weren't being held. That was just code for I was gay and they were on the football team, so who gives a fuck if they beat me almost to death. 

That's why we had to get out of that backwards town. My eldest brother Michael called a buddy of his named John and we arranged to move to Lawrence where we would live next to John and his two sons Sam and Dean. 

Dean was my age and Sam was 3 years younger. So we packed up and here we are, or rather here I am. 

This place is driving me crazy. The house is pretty much safety wrapped with anything remotely sharp locked away. 

My medications make me sleepy so school is hard. Then again it's only my 3rd day, I could always wish for a miracle. I guess you're caught up now. This is my life. These are my stories. 

November 23, 2013 Day 1: 

Human life is a combination of tragedy and comedy. The shapes and designs that surround us are the music accompanying this tragedy and this comedy.  
-Alvar Aalto

To stray far from those woe is me bullshit stories, I'm not going to lie. This diary was proposed by my therapist. She said to write my life like someone else was reading it. So let's start off by not lying to each other.

I'm smart, but not school savvy. I know things and I absorb nearly everything unless I have to work for it. I always had a strong love of history, especially World War II. My favorite class I have is the only good thing about this stupid town. 

Holocaust and Genocide with Ms. Schwartz was a class in which I had the unfortunate displeasure of being joined by Dean Winchester. That boy was a failure is a pretty package.

He was smart but acted like he wasn't. His varsity jacket showed that he was a wrestler, and a good one. He was crude, obnoxious, and greatly facetious. All in all, I was madly in love.

I heard rumors that his last relationship had ended because he came out, but the playboy exterior made that hard to believe. His one charming quality was his love for Sammy.

Sammy was a short kid who wasn't quite thin, but wasn't quite chubby either. He loved reading, a quality he and I did in fact share. 

As a sophomore, Sam had his life really together. He was the top in his class, had a beautiful girlfriend, and had his future set. Studying to be a lawyer was his main purpose.

The bell rang and class began and regretfully I took my seat next to Dean. He turned, smiled, and winked and I swear I began hyperventilating. He reminded me of Balthazar a bit, well the parts of Balthazar I loved. 

His green eyes were so goddamn green, like greener than trees in the summertime. You know the pre-sex eye analysis in some fanfictions? Yeah that kind of green. 

He was almost inhumanly beautiful, that inconceivable bastard. It seemed to me like he was a punishment sent from the higher power my mother loved so dearly. He was a slap in the face.

'I wish you were here :(' 

I texted Meg, frowning as I got ready for class. Doodling was perhaps one of my worst habits and a strong contributor to my low grades. 

We were learning about the Wannsee Conference by watching a movie. We had started it last class, and we had a worksheet to fill out. My paper was covered with doodles. 

Naturally the boy wonder (as I shall now refer to him for national security purposes), had none of the answers from last class. That's because he was sleeping soundly last class. 

"Hey Cassie, so how're you liking Lawrence?" 

I was going to respond with my rather well developed sarcasm, but sadly his cocky grin melted my brain functions. 

Without responding, I just handed him my paper to copy. He smiled and thanked me, and I definitely blushed. 

When he was done, he handed it back and we continued the movie. I looked at the paper and saw a note from him. It read 'Nice drawings!'

I looked at it with a bittersweet smile. The best part about my depression is the completely unpredictable and random times it chooses to attack, say for example, the middle of a class when the sharpest thing I can get my hands on is my wit. 

During these attacks, I need to feel relief and so I've been improvising. It's never easy when you part with an addiction, but this is something so deep rooted I don't think they can fix it. 

It's like having an itch inside of your brain that you need to scratch. I can't function when it happens, I just close my eyes tight and breathe. 

I promised Meg I would get better, so I've been trying. It felt like hours but it was really only a few minutes. When the thought could at least be overshadowed by intense focus on the movie, I smiled. I still felt the need to cut, but then again, I always do.

Class passed quickly after my little attack, and before I knew it the bell rung releasing me from my prison.

"Hey Cas, I owe you one for those answers, how about I drive you home today?"

Normally I would've turned him down, but I looked out the window and saw it was still raining. I stuffed my books clumsily into my bag and smiled. 

"Yeah that'd be great Dean."

He smiled in his mischievous way and led me to his car. Another plus about him, he's a pretty boy with even prettier wheels.

His dad being a mechanic and all, he drove a 1967 Chevrolet Impala which still purred like a newborn kitten.

"Cas this is baby, baby this is Cas." He said, introducing me to his car. Sam was waiting on the sidewalk next to the car.

"Uhh... Hey Sammy."

"Hey Cas. Joining us on the ride home today?"

"Yeah, not a big fan of rain."

"Understandable."

After that, the awkward silence set in. Dean did his best to remedy the silence, but there's only so much classic rock can do. Besides if you're talking Rock, I'm more of an Elvis person.

The ride from school to home was a little over 5 minutes, and after that awkward car ride I was almost glad to be home. Then again, I did say almost.

I waved goodbye and said thank you, then I made my way inside. The house was pristine as always with my mother flitting around and singing.

On the outside, she was the perfect mother, beautiful, organized, loving, and responsible. On the inside, she was a perfectionist dealing with an imperfect life; mine. 

She frowned when she saw I was home. 

"Go do your homework."

"Yes ma'am."

"And tell your brother to turn his music down."

"Yes ma'am."

"Stop calling me ma'am Castiel. I am your mother not your warden."

Under my breath I whispered, "Are you sure?" 

She glared at me as if even though she didn't hear me she knew what I said.

"All of this is your fault. I picked up my life for you. I quit my job and moved our family here to try and give you a chance to get better. So be grateful you brat."

I shrugged her off and ran upstairs, knocking on my brother Luke's door. Luke was the problem child in the family, well before me.

"Hey Luke, Mom says to turn the music down." A mound of sheets began to move and out came Luke.

He was tall, blonde, rugged, and scowling at me. His hair was cut short, a little longer than a buzz.

"Hey there gay boy, how about you tell Naomi to shut the fuck up and go fuck herself. I'm relaxing up here."

He looked at me and I could tell he wasn't kidding about that. He hated Mom and how she had reacted when dad left. 

Michael practically raised him and since he got shipped of to some army base in the Middle East, Luke has been cracking down on being as rebellious as possible.

Luke was 3 years older than me and had dropped out of college when he was 19. Ever since he's been living with us and guilting mom into letting him stay. 

By the heavy scent of smoke I could guess he was high right about now, but then again since Michael left I haven't seen him down.

I closed the door and walked into my room. I blankly wondered over to my dresser and picked up a brass photo frame. 

Inside of that frame were 2 photos; Michael and my father. They say my father used to be a great man, but after he lost his job his world just shattered. 

His name was Chuck and he had left to follow his dream of being a writer.

Michael was deployed about 2 weeks after my incident. Him leaving just made everything worse. 

Gabe tried to fill the hole Michael left, but it was a lot for him. At 23, Gabe is the next oldest after Michael. He always tries to lighten my mood with his dumb humor and candy. 

Sitting on my bed, I felt my phone vibrate and looked to see who it was. 

'Watcha want for dinner short stack?'

I smiled and replied,

'Nice one Gabe, you make that one up all on your own? How about Chinese?'

I saw a little letter symbol meaning I had gotten another text. I couldn't see my face, but my smile must've been really stupid looking.

'I miss you too Clarence. Skype?'

Nearly running, I got my laptop from Gabriel's room. He never puts it back when he's done. 

I logged onto Skype and anxiously bounced up and down waiting for Skype to open up. The screen flickered to life and suddenly Meg was with me. 

"Hey Clarence, how's Larry?"

"It's good here." I lied, her voice soothing me.

"I miss you curly, when are we getting the 2 stooges back together?"

"I don't know Mo, there's always college. Moving is helping, I think it's helped at least the slightest bit."

"Well as long as you're getting better. How can I be a stooge without my other half?"

"You do know there were 3 stooges right?"

"Shut up Clarence." We laughed and for a moment the world was normal.

"Lawrence is no fun without you."

"Persuade me to come visit. Any cute guys?"

I rolled my eyes at her and she faked insult.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, how's the booty over there? I ain't coming if there is not at least one perfect 10."

"Well there is this one guy...." I trailed off, her squeal drowning me out.

"Whats his name, how did you meet him, do I need to buy you some protection?"

"His names Dean, he lives next door, and GOD NO YOU FOUL MINDED CRETIN!"

She laughed and asked for more detail.

"He's about 6'3", blonde, muscular, and handsome. Really handsome. Like better than Josh Hutcherson handsome."

She gasped, "You bite your tongue you heretic." She was a huge hunger games fan and needless to say she worshipped Josh.

"I swear to our lord Hiddleston that he is that cute."

"What's his last name? I'm looking him up on Facebook."

"Winchester. Dean Winchester."

Furious typing followed, as Meg searched for him.

"Oh my god. He is gorgeous. And his page says he's looking for a man."

"What?!!!"

"Yup Dean Winchester is interested in men."

I almost screeched when she told me. I had heard rumors but I had never thought they were true. "Oh my god!"

"Cassie, you have got to ask him out."

I looked at her and frowned. "You know very well that guys like him don't go for guys like me. And when they do..." I trailed off not needing to finish.

I was flashing back to Balthazar and she could see the hurt on my face.

"Cas, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you. I know Balthazar was a bad experience, but not all guys are like him. In fact I'm pretty sure no one can be that huge of a douche. Just at least give yourself a chance to like him."

I considered, but I knew the truth. I was ugly and no golden boy was gonna ask me out. "I'll think about it."

"Okay Cas, but just remember what I told you before you left. Don't let what happened with Balthazar ruin your future chances. Open up a bit."

"Yes yes I know, I'm a beautiful butterfly." She looked concerned but found an uneasy smile. "Cas you know if anything is going on, you tell me. I'll set my wrath on your foes like a demon from the depths of Hell."

He smiled. Her wrath was something no one should ever encounter, nor even his worst enemies. 

"Listen boo, I have to go do my homework, but I'll text you later." I nodded, yawning.

I waved goodbye and closed it down. I had homework to do too, but screw consciousness that's what I say. About 4 hours later, I was woken by a gentle hand on my arm. 

"Hey short stack, I got you your favorites." I smiled up at Gabe as he handed me a plate and my favorite pair of chopsticks. 

"How was work?" I asked, a guilty feeling in my stomach. He had quit his job too and moved here with us. He had worked at a salvage yard with his friend Bobby in Sioux Falls, but when he heard what happened with me he dropped everything to come.

"Same old same old. Work is boring, how was school?" He seemed genuinely curious so I told him.

"Same old same old. School is boring." He frowned and took a bite from his steamed dumpling. Sauce poured down the sides of his mouth and we both laughed.

"You got a little something there." I teased, handing him a tissue from the box on my dresser. 

"Yeah yeah you brat." He said, jokingly. Of all my siblings, I loved Gabe the most. He took care of me, and not just in the way Michael did. 

"Thanks Gabe." I stated, after finishing my chicken and broccoli. 

"Don't mention it bro."

"I mean for everything."

"I'm your brother, it's my job to look out for you." That statement was accompanied by a noogie and a hug. 

"I'll always be here to take care of you."

"I know."

I broke the hug when he yawned, and sent him off to bed. After throwing away the trash, I tucked myself back into bed. Sleep was easy, and sleep helped.


	2. Popcorn

December 7, 2013 Day 15  
What kind of life is this? I grumbled as I woke up to Luke and my Mom having it out again. 

"Just because he's a freak I'm not gonna stick around here and let you run my life." He growled.

"Luke! I am your mother!" She yelled back.

"You stopped being my mother a long time ago." Luke responded, his voice louder and more hurt than angry.

"Luke! Come back here." There was a door slam, then crying. 

After sitting a while and waiting for the crying to stop, I got up to go shower. Luke stormed out of the house about once every two weeks. 

We have no idea where he goes, and when he gets back he won't tell us.

The hot water felt nice against my cold skin. It was winter and I bitterly hated the cold. When I got out, the cold air made me shiver. I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and opened my door.

"It's your fault." My mother said, waiting for me outside my door. 

"Michael is gone, Luke is gone, your father is gone, and all because of you." She had a bottle in her hand and knew she wasn't in her right mind.

"You're drunk mom." I noted, taking her hand and dragging her towards her bedroom. 

"Yeah. And? Do you know how miserable you make my life? You were such a fuck up you couldn't even kill yourself right."

I had to hold in tears at this point. 

"I know mom, I'll do better next time." That was a sincere promise but she was too drunk to care.

She plopped into bed and fell asleep cradling her jack. "I promise next time I'll do it right."

When she was drunk was the perfect time to cut. She had hidden all the sharp objects in her top desk drawer except for the kitchen stuff which was locked up in the kitchen.

I got my pick of the bunch when she was like this. My various options called out, but I chose my tried and true favorite. 

It was a simple blade that was supposed to be used for art, but I found more creative purposes. It was silver and glinted in the light from her desk lamp. 

I locked myself in her bathroom and got to work. My arms were pretty much healed from the last time, except for one especially deep cut. 

I pulled up my sleeve and dug in. 

The blade was less sharp than last time but it still got the job done. Soon stress and anger and hate poured out in neat red lines on my skin.

After I finished with my arm, I ran a washcloth under warm water and left it on my arm to soak. This kept my cuts from getting infected and also made them less likely to bleed during school.

I sat for 5 minutes just listening to the clock tick off the seconds. A knock on the door aroused me from my stupor and my paradise came crashing down. 

"Cassie, I know you're in there. Come on out and we'll get you cleaned up."

Gabe's voice was sad, but never angry, and never disappointed. 

I got up and rung out the washcloth now tinted red. My skin was raw and red, but I had held back.

Opening the door, Gabe pulled me into a hug. "I'm so sorry Cas."

He really meant it too. He was. But not a selfish kinda sorry, the kind that actually is meant for you. 

I gripped him tight and he held me close. "You're not a failure Cas, and I've got a surprise for you."

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, confusion on my face.

"I'm getting us out of here." I stared at him blankly.

"Where are we going?"

"I rented an apartment downtown, it's just gonna be you and me. No Naomi or Luke. I'll take care of you, just like I promised."

I smiled up at him and gave him a tight squeeze. "Really?!" I asked, excitedly. He nodded and all of my depression and anger, if only for a moment, gave way to happiness.

"Now let's get you cleaned up." He remarked, looking at my sleeves.

I felt guilt suddenly, he was so good to me and all I did was keep getting worse. It was like a revelation. An epiphany. "I promise I'll stop."

He looked at me with skepticism. "It's not your fault, the depression is eating away at you."

"I know. But for you I'll try. I'll try to stop."

He smiled and hugged me, his eyes starting to water.

He led me downstairs and opened the medicine cabinet. He pulled out a grey bottle labeled hydrogen peroxide and some paper towels. 

"Son of a bitch!" I screamed as the liquid stung my cuts. He laughed at me and kept cleaning.

"You really shouldn't be such a baby about a little stinging. It's not even infected, just some stinging."

I punched his shoulder softly. "It still hurts." I whined.

Soon enough he had my arm wrapped up and was making me eggs. "I'm sorry you have to take care of me on your day off."

He frowned at me then went back to cooking. "What else would I do besides hang out with my third favorite brother?"

I stuck out my tongue at him. "You know you like me better than Luke at least."

He shrugged. "When he gets out of his 'don't touch me, I hate everything', being related to him might be bearable. If Michael was here..."

He trailed off, the words getting caught in his throat. 

I was too young for me and Michael to be really close, him being 10 years older than me and everything, but Gabe had looked up to him. 

Not like Luke, who was practically raised by Michael, but in an older brother way. He was 10 when dad left. Luke was 7. Michael had been 15 and he'd been forced to grow up quick.

I looked on the fridge to my left and glanced at the picture of Michael in his army uniform. 

It had already been months since he left, and I missed him so much. He came home from boot camp to see if I was okay then left. 

Mom begged him not to go, but it was his dream and he was finally going to do something for him. His role as the father figure in our fucked up home was left to Gabe. 

"Soups on." Gabe called, bringing two plates of eggs to the table. He wasn't Martha Stewart or anything but he wasn't awful either. Not like Mom, she could burn cereal.

"Do you want to do something today?"

"I don't know. Sure."

"Movie?"

"What's out?"

"The new Thor is out, plus that catching fire hunger games thing."

"Umm let's see Thor."

I ate my eggs slowly, taking breaks in between bites to sip at my glass of milk.

Gabe sipped at his coffee when the phone rang. 

"Hello?"

"Oh hey John."

"Can I watch the boys?"

"Umm sure if they're willing to go to a movie with me and Cas."

There was a pause for a moment.

"Oh it's no problem. Send em over."

"Yeah. No problem. Goodbye."

He hung up and went to the back door. A minute or so later he returned with Sam and Dean.

"Hey Cas." Dean said with a smirk.

"Hey Dean." I replied, suddenly remembering to roll down my sleeves.

"Thanks for bringing us with you Gabriel. It was either you or the library. He still doesn't trust us to be alone in the house."

Sam smirked, putting his arm around his brother.

"It's because last time he left you home alone, he came home to the party of the year."

"It wasn't even that big of a party."

"The cops showed up Dean."

"Yeah yeah Sammy. Whatever."

Sam was about to respond with what I'm sure would've been a well planned comeback, but I interrupted.

"So do you guys want to see Thor 2 or Catching Fire?"

Dean looked to Sam, letting him decide. "Well I've heard really good things about Thor 2, plus Dean totally has a crush on Tom Hiddles...." He was silenced by Dean sliding a hand over his mouth.

"Ignore him, he doesn't know what he's talking about."

I laughed, "It's okay, I like Tom too. He's really cute."

I realized what I said and blushed. I tried to respond but ended up just closing my mouth.

"I've never heard you laugh before." Dean commented, a handsome smirk working its way onto his face.

"It's a really cute laugh." He finished, a completely sincere compliment.

"I hate to break up this mundane attempt at flirtation, but it's time to leave unless you want to wait until the showing is sold out." Gabe commented, and I held back an urge to hit him.

Glancing at the clock, I noticed he was right. It was 12 and our showing was at 12:50. Plus the nearest movie theater was 25 minutes away.

"I'll drive!" Dean offered, an excited glimmer in his eyes. He held up his keys as proof of his ability and willingness.

"How about Ill drive your car?" Gabe said, making a grab for Dean's keys. 

He pulled away from Gabe, flinging his arms up into some sort of cheesy fake Kung fu defense mode. 

"You don't touch my baby." He seemed ready and willing to fight him to make sure no one touched his car.

Gabe held up his hands in surrender. "Fine. You drive."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Don't even think about touching that car or Dean might cry."

I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of the look Dean gave Sam. 

"He won't even let me learn how to drive in it. He makes me use Dad's crappy pick up."

Dean grinned wide. "You can drive baby when you turn 21."

Gabe put on his jacket and off we went. My brother, being the asshole he is, made me sit shotgun next to Dean.

"Sweet car, what is it? A 67?" Gabe commented, whistling at the old black car.

How much people knew about cars amazed me. If I was asked what kind of car this was I'd say an older black one, but Dean just says, "yup. A '67 Chevvy Impala."

When we were all situated in the car, Dean turned on his music.

"Come on Dean, let's listen to Christmas Carols." Gabe offered trying not be rude by saying he disliked the music choice.

"May I?" I asked, pointing to his iPod that was plugged into auxiliary.

He looked at me for a while then nodded. Grabbing his iPod I made a quick survey of its contents. 

Mostly just classic rock. His most played song was Carry on My Wayward Son by Kansas. He didn't have any Christmas music, so I unplugged his iPod and plugged mine in.

Going through my artists, I stopped at Elvis and began playing his Christmas album I had just acquired. 

The protest Dean was building up was silenced by Elvis' rendition of silver bells. "Nice taste. Old, but good. I can dig Elvis."

Sammy just started laughing, which confused me but seemed to make Dean smile.

The rest of the ride was quiet. Well except for Gabriel's attempts to sing along. At one point Dean and Sam joined in and the whole car was singing off key Christmas carols.

Just then my phone buzzed. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw I had a text. 

'Boreeeeddddd. Wanna Skype Clarence?'

Meg always had the ability to make me smile.

'Can't. I'm going to see a movie with Gabe and some friends.'

A few moments later I felt that soft buzz again.

'Ooooo. What friends? What movie? Who?'

I sighed, holding back a laugh. She had this adorable quality of being curious about everything.

"Who're you texting? Your boyfriend?" Dean asked, something in his voice besides curiosity.   
"Oh no. Just my friend Meg. She was my best friend in Shannon. I miss her." I smiled sadly then focused on my response.

For some reason Dean was smiling too. "She should come visit if it'll make you happy.

"That definitely would." I replied.

'Thor 2. With Sam and Dean. You know them, I told you about Dean awhile ago.'

I sighed, knowing what her response would be like almost immediately.

We had arrived at the movie theater by this point, parking somewhat far away but still close enough to not complain. 

The lady next to us had just pulled in too and she parked so terribly that the whole ticket line Dean and Gabe were angrily discussing it.

Sammy and I made small talk. I asked him how Jess was, and he said fine. He asked me how school was, I said fine. 

It wasn't until Gabe and Dean went to get snacks he really opened up to conversation.

"My brother never does that." He commented. 

"He never lets anyone mess with his music. The last person he allowed to do that was his ex girlfriend."

I just tilted my head to the side and looked at him. "Gabe wanted Christmas, he didn't have any. I'm sure he just knew he didn't have any holiday songs."

It sounded like a good enough explanation to me, but Sam started laughing.

"He likes you Cas. Maybe not a whole lot yet, but he does."

I began to blush fiercely and looked down. "Look, Sam,..." I began, being cut off by Gabe and Dean's return.

"Sammy, you and Gabe like your popcorn the same way. I hope you don't mind Cas, but I said we'd share.

I was too distracted with what Sam told me to notice what he said, so I just nodded. Dean Winchester does not have a crush on me. He just doesn't. 

I almost jumped when my phone buzzed, breaking me out of my thoughts. 

'Lucky! I wish I could see it with you. Plus watching a movie with a cute boy. I can almost feel your blush from here.'

'I'm not blushing Megara, and anyway I'm going in the theater now. I'll text you when it's over.'

We moved to the theatre, finding seats in the back row right in the center. We were sitting so that Gabe was next to Sammy on his right, I was next to Sammy on his left, and Dean was next to me on my left.

Previews started and I began delving into the popcorn. It wasn't until about 75% of the way through that we encountered a problem. 

Dean and I had reached for the popcorn at the same time, but when I went to remove my hand to let him through, he grabbed my hand.

I looked over at him, but he was just watching the screen. I felt his strong hand hold mine and I blushed so intensely I might've been glowing

We stayed like this until the film ended, and when it did end, Dean didn't bring it up.

"You were right about Tom Hiddleston Cas." Flustered, I just nodded in response.

"I don't know, that Sif was pretty hot." Gabe commented, as Sammy nodded in agreement.

"Straight boys." Dean commented, jokingly.

I smiled at that, still feeling the warmth of his hand in mine.

"Hey Dean?" I asked, following him out of the theatre behind Gabe and Sam.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for the popcorn."

"No problem." He replied, a smirk on his face. Before we left, Dean ran into some of his friends.

He made small talk with a guy I think was named Adam or something, and a girl with blonde hair. Her name was definitely Jo.

People had never been my strong suit. Dean and Sam were easy, but other people, well they were hard.

I closed up while he was talking to them, only opening my mouth to say hello. I have anxiety when I'm forced to talk to others, but Dean seemed to sense my uncomfortableness. 

"I'll see you guys. Have fun at the movie." He called as he walked away, waving to the two.

"Sorry about that. I didn't realize you wouldn't be okay going up to strangers. I'll remember next time."

"Next time?" I hazarded a response.

His smile lit up. "Yeah, I was wondering if you'd like to see the Hobbit Desolation of Smaug next Friday. Sammy doesn't have the attention span to sit through it."

Incredibly handsome and secretly a nerd, how could I resist. "Sure. I mean, I guess it's all right. Id need to borrow some money from Gabe, but it's okay."

"You won't need any money, that's why it's called a date."

I was too shocked to recall much more about my evening with the Winchesters, so this is where today ends. Only 6 days until my first real date. 

I think about what happened with Balthazar and I'm tempted to call him up and cancel. There's a part of me that is insisting he'll be the same way. 

But the winning part of me is what I call my Meg side. Insisting that I let myself live life and not let the past get in my way.

I have t-minus 6 days to decide which side of me I want to believe.


	3. Starlight

December 13, 2013 Day 22  
"Are you sure Gabe?" I asked, staring at my reflection. 

He just nodded and placed a supportive hand on my shoulder. It was still a few weeks until we could move in together. After Christmas. Then everything would be perfect.

I thought I looked stupid with a purple button down and jeans. Gabe told me to roll up my sleeves to the elbow, which did help a bit.

With my minor and much to be desired knowledge of hair products, I contorted my natural messy locks into something that resembled a human style. 

My curls being as annoying as they are, kept threatening to ruin all my work.

"He'll think I look stupid and leave me here." I stated looking at him. He just rolled his eyes, but I knew.

I had nothing to offer him, all guys like him want is someone they can use. Sure he was really funny and sweet and cute and....back on point. This entire date thing has had me remembering Balthazar more and more.

When I closed my eyes to relax, I remembered that day so clearly.

"Hey Cassie." A dark voice called. It was familiar but twisted in a way I'd never heard.

"Balthazar?" I asked, a wave of relief filling me when he walked into the light. "I was starting to think you'd never come."

"Now why would he think that?" A new voiced cooed, emerging and placing his elbow on Balthazar's shoulders. 

"Raphael?" I called, thoroughly confused, but smart enough to begin backing away.

"Hey faggot. I thought we'd come on down and help Balthazar here teach you how wrong your life is."

"We?" I stuttered, slowly backing away from the group of 1..2...3...4...5...6. 6 people that joined the two.

"But...I thought..." I began, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes. I knew it was too good to be true.

"Oh you thought? You thought I'd be a fairy like you?" Balthazar spat, his words hitting me like a slap in the face. 

He stepped towards me, and I found my back against a rough brick wall. He leaned in close, then punched me in the stomach.

"You thought wrong."

Then all Hell broke loose. The shapes blended together in the shadows and I felt like all hope was lost. 

I didn't fight.

I didn't scream.

I didn't respond.

I let them do what they wanted. What was the point? Maybe they were right. Maybe I don't deserve to live.

"You are a disgusting faggot. You never belonged here."

"Fairy."

"Faggot."

"Cocksucker."

"Homo."

"Fruitcake."

"Princess."

It never seemed to stop. It did eventually, but in the moment it was eternal. For weeks after, I couldn't close my eyes without their voices shouting in my head.

It was a janitor who found me, as he threw out the trash. I guess I had become unconscious after awhile and they decided I was no more fun.

The janitor probably would've never helped me, or called the cops or an ambulance, if he had known what I was.

They made me feel like what I was, was so disgusting and wrong that the life I leaded was an insult to everyone I met.

The glory of the south.

"CAS!" Gabe shouted, snapping me back from my past. I didn't realize I had been crying until now. 

"I'm sorry." I apologized, as he pulled me into his arms and held on tight. 

"I'll never let anyone hurt you like that again. If I thought Dean would hurt you, if I even suspected that boy had anything like that on his mind, I'd kill him. No one is ever going to hurt you again. You're my baby brother and I'll make it okay."

I looked up at him and smiled. "Thanks Gabe. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He placed his fingertips on my cheek, wiping away the tears. "You'd probably be a complete mess. I mean I am pretty awesome."

I pushed him away playfully and smiled.

The doorbell went off, and I looked at Gabe with anxiety. "You want me to tell him to go away?"

"No. No. I'm not gonna let Balthazar ruin my life." It was an empty promise I knew, but I had promised Meg, so I had to see this date through.

Gabe rushed down the stairs and met Dean at the door. I heard the exchanging of greetings and then foot steps into the kitchen.

I glanced back into the mirror and sighed, pointlessly trying to fix my hair. I crept down the stairs, but stopped when I heard muffled voices. 

"Dean, he's had a rough year, and there are a few things you need to know."

I heard Gabe start, followed by an understanding grunt by Dean.

"My brother was stood up, then beat almost to death the last time he was on a date. If he spaces out, he's not bored or uninterested, he's remembering. It'll take some time to get over, but once he does I know he'll be amazing."

"What son of a bitch would hurt him?"

"Football team. 4 seniors and 2 juniors, all starters. All with 'alibis' for the night. But that's not what's important right now. Cas means the world to me. You hurt him, and I will hurt you in every way you fear most. Got it?"

Dean's yes wasn't one of mockery or disrespect. He knew Gabe meant it and I guess would do the same for Sam. I heard the two walk toward the stairs, and I silently ran back up to my room.

"Cassie? You ready?"

I took a deep breath, before making my way towards the boy waiting for me.

He looked as handsome as always, with his cute freckles catching the light. He smiled when he saw me, and I couldn't help but notice how perfect he was.

He wore his standard green jacket, but underneath had a black v neck and his necklace. I wondered what it meant to him. I'd never seen him without it, but then again he has never really talked to me much before last week.

"Wow." He exclaimed, his eyes going wide. I met him at the bottom or the stairs and Gabe cleared his throat, bringing Dean back from wherever his mind had traveled. 

"Oh yeah." He said, and I could've sword he blushed. "So let's get going, or we won't get good seats."

I nodded, following him out to his car. Gabe waved goodbye and shot a warning look at Dean and then we were on our way. 

"So Cas, you seen the first one?" He asked, keeping his eyes on the road. I couldn't be sure, but I think it was Kansas in the background.

"Yeah. My brother used to read them to me when I was young, so we saw it when he got a day off from boot camp."

Michael had wished he could've been home to see the second one. It was breaking his heart to be away so near Christmas. He'd be overseas during the holiday.

"Who was your favorite character?" He asked, trying to keep a nice conversation.

"Well my favorite character in the books had been Beorn, so I hope he's got a good part in the film." He nodded in approval.

"That's the bear guy right."

"Yeah. Who's your favorite character?"

He thought for a moment, then responded. "I like Galadriel. She reminds me of my mom. She's the one who read me the books when I was young. When she read them to me and she mentioned Galadriel I always pictured her. After all, she was the most beautiful woman I knew at the time."

I was touched by his story, and it occurred to me that I barely knew anything about him. "So your mom was a big fan of the books. How'd she like the movies?"

When I saw his face, I immediately regretted asking him. 

"She died when I was 5."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...I didn't know." I struggled for a response, but he just looked at me and smiled.

"Everyone's always sorry, but it was either kick the bucket or suffer a brain tumor for the rest of her life. The pain she was in...death was the better choice." His voice didn't sound regretful or spiteful. He truly believed that she didn't deserve that pain.

"My dad left when I was 5. He got tired of being a dad and left. My brother Michael became the father of our family. Now he's off saving lives, so Gabe is kinda filling in. Lord knows how he manages to keep me alive. He thinks a healthy diet is 3 meals a day of candy."

He laughed, an ease starting to thin the tension. The rest of our subjects weren't quite as heavy, and soon we arrived at the theater. He had preordered our tickets, so all we had to do was buy drinks and snacks.

As much as I normally didn't like junk food, there was a special place in my heart for popcorn. 

"Cas, you mind if we share a drink?" He asked, as we stood in line. I thought for a moment then responded. "Nah I don't mind, as long as you don't have cooties." 

He rolled his eyes and stepped up to order. We got a combo which included a tub of popcorn, a large drink, and a candy of our choice.

"What kind of candy do you want?" I shrugged, pointing to a pouch of m&ms. He paid for our snacks and we made our way to the theater. It was a larger theater already filling up with people. 

We couldn't get the very back seats, but I did find two in the third to last row near to the center. The seats were leather and reclined, but were also huge. 

The previews began to play, and I felt excitement stir up in my stomach. The popcorn was a little too buttery, but I wasn't gonna complain. 

This time he didn't use the popcorn as an excuse and reached for my hand. He held it throughout the movie, except for when he got up to go to the bathroom and get a refill on the popcorn.

We got along pretty well after the movie was over. Gushing over the film and in my case Martin Freeman. 

The ride home was all too short, it seemed, and I didn't know if I was quite ready to say goodbye. I got confused though, when he didn't pull onto our street to get home.

"Where're we going Dean?" I asked, starting to freak out. I knew it was a stupid overreaction, but I couldn't help but think it.

"Don't worry Cas. It's a good surprise." He turned into the park that was about 2 minutes away from our houses, and what I saw took my breath away.

He had set up a picnic under a tree. There was a blanket with pillows leaning against the trunk. It was perfect, and the stars had even come out.

He grabbed a basket from his trunk and I followed him. I honestly could not believe he was doing this. It was like a hallmark movie or something.

We sat on the blanket and just talked for what just have been hours. We talked about everything, from movies and actors to books and authors. We talked about my family and Sammy.

"He's so smart, and I know that Dad doesn't give a crap about me, but he is so proud of Sam." He turned on his side to face me, and I followed suit. 

"I know how you feel. Some days it seems like my family tries to pretend I don't exist. If Gabe wasn't there, I don't know how I'd survive." He grabbed my hand, and moved his thumb on the back of it.

"There's something so right about being here with you." He stated, looking right in my eyes.

Before I knew what was going on, he closed the gap between us, his soft lips meeting mine.

I eased into it slowly, but it felt so right in his arms. The way he kissed me, and the way he held me, made me feel like I was something.

People who've never experienced depression always seem to misunderstand what a sense of belonging and worth can do.

It was like inside his arms I was a strong, smart, and determined young man ready and able to do anything I want; but outside his arms, I could barely live without feeling like a burden.

After a long kiss that seemed all too short, we broke apart. What he did next was not expected. He lifted my wrists to his lips and kissed my scars, every one.

"I'm so sorry Cas, that you ever felt like that was your only escape." I was amazed. No one had ever noticed or cared before. No one besides my family and Meg.

"Did Gabe tell you?" I questioned, confusion giving way to joy.

"I knew from the start." He offered, rolling up the sleeve of his green jacket. 

He had scars on his arms too, not as many as I had, but much more deep than mine. I absentmindedly placed my fingers on his arm. 

"I had no idea."

"Neither does anyone else. You're the only person I've ever told."

"When did you start?"

"I don't know, a year of two ago."

"They're so deep."

"I had a lot of anger. It all started after Sammy told dad he wanted to be a lawyer and go away to college. We have a family business and Dad didn't want a son who had no plan to be apart of it. He tried to hit Sam, so I punched him. The way Sammy looked at me...."

He trailed off, but I could see his jaw tense up. I placed a supportive hand on his cheek. After a moment, I moved my lips towards his and I could feel his sadness melt away.

"I've never been able to tell anyone any of this, not even Sammy.". He smiled and I placed my head on his chest and we just watched the stars.

"When did you start?" I heard after some time in a comfortable silence.

Normally when asked this question I would shut down, but he had been so honest with me.

"When I was a freshman. So 3 years ago. That's when I was ousted."

"You came out Freshman year?" He asked, a shock and respect in his voice which I just laughed at.

"No, this guy I'd been talking to online sent our private messages to everyone and then suddenly I was out. It was awful. Lawrence may be a bit homophobic, but you ain't seen nothing like Shannon."

It was a painful memory, but with Dean holding me it wasn't so hard to talk about it.

"My mother tried to exorcise me, and when that didn't work she started drinking. Then when everything with Balthazar happened..."

I trailed off, not knowing how to end the story. He just nodded, letting me leave it unfinished.

We sat like that awhile, my head resting on his chest as we both looked up at the stars. I felt like it was just me and him and the sky.

He had even lent me his jacket when it had gotten colder. The muscles in his arms were highlighted by the moonlight. 

The jacket itself smelled like Dean, sort of like cherry and cinnamon. The two scents were something I'd never thought would work together.

This was another moment that I wish could've lasted forever. This was a moment when nothing was real except us.

I felt my phone buzz and suddenly he world was real again.

'How'd it go? You get laid?'

I blushed furiously at Meg's assumptions and began typing furiously back.

'I'm on a starlight picnic with him, and no dirty mind of yours is going to ruin this perfect moment.'

He laughed when I was done, and I blushed asking why.

"Your face was just so priceless. Who texted you? I bet they regret that." His laughing didn't subside for quite some time and while he composed himself, I got another text from Meg.

'Clarence, a starlit picnic and the hobbit? Marry this one.'

I rolled my eyes, and responded a bit more calmly this time.

'Megara, I will make sure to do that when legally possible. For now I'm going to make out with the really hot guy next to me. :P'

I turned my phone on silent, and looked back at Dean. He was checking his phone for the time I guess.

"Shit!" He exclaimed suddenly.

"Sorry Cas, I didn't mean for us to be out this late. We have to go." He hurried to collect the fragments of our picnic snacks and blanket.

It was only midnight, but I had heard stories about their curfew. He was in a real rush, so I just helped him get everything set.

"My dad is gonna kill me." He muttered to himself, low enough so I could barely hear it.

We got in his car and left for my house. It was a 2 minute drive and before long I had to say goodbye.

"Thanks for a great time Dean, that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me." His face was riddled with worry, I guessed, or fear that his father would be unhappy.

"No problem Cas, it was worth it to see the smile on your face." I leaned forward to kiss him goodbye. It was a short and sweet kiss, but it left me wanting more. 

"Until next time."

"Yeah, until next time."

I walked to my front door with a giddy feeling. Gabe was waiting up for me, and while he was trying to look angry, when he saw me he couldn't help but smile.

"You enjoy your date?" He asked in a way only he can with both mockery and curiosity.

"I did actually. I really did."

And with that, I went upstairs and threw myself on the bed. I didn't feel like changing, that's when I realized I still had his jacket.

I breathed in his scent that remained from my souvenir and found sleep. Sleep, for once, came quickly and easily.


	4. Birthday Bash

December 17, 2013 Day 25

My birthday has never been a great time in my life. The highlight of my birthday last year was Meg came over and we watched movies and ate ice cream.

I had a few things to look forward to today, I was going for my driving test, then I was going to school. Normally going to school would always be a bad thing, but seeing Dean was better than not.

Another good thing was that Dean had no idea it was my birthday. I didn't really like to be fussed over ever since I was little.

"Ready to go?" Gabe asked, in jeans and a t shirt instead of his normal jumpsuit he wore for work. He had taken off today to take me to my driving test.

The place was about 40 minutes away and my appointment was at 8 so we left at about 7:15. We arrived at 7:58.

"2 minutes to spare, am I good or am I good?"

"You're a dork." I joked. A large man with a clipboard came over and I switched with Gabe.

"Please sign here." He requested, and I signed his paper.

I'd been practicing with Dean the last couple days and felt confident that I could pass, but suddenly it was all really...real.

"Pull out and make a left." I checked my mirrors, put on my seatbelt, and pulled out.

The course wasn't hard, but then we got to the parallel parking.

"Parallel park over there."

"Okay."

I don't care how 'prepared' you are for your test, parallel parking is hard. I was just a little too far away on my second try and pulling back to the start, I felt dread start in the pit of my stomach.

I didn't know if he'd pass me or not. "Since were in a pretty rural area and there shouldn't really be a need for parallel parking, I'm gonna pass you. But make sure you practice."

I must've sounded like a moron, the way I was laughing. My smile didn't stop which made taking a photo with no smile really difficult.

When I got back to school, I first ran into Sammy.

"Hey Cas, where were you this morning? I didn't see you and Dean in the commons."

"I had an appointment with my brother."

"Oh okay. Make sure you let Dean know you're here though, he looked like a lost puppy. He said he had something to give you too."

I laughed and waved goodbye. Class was boring and slow passing until lunch. Although I only had a class with Dean every other day, we always had lunch together.

I got in line to get my food and didn't catch sight of Dean yet. What I did see was one of his friends waving me over to their table.

One thing about me that's easy to see from the beginning was that I not a fan of talking to people, but the person wasn't a complete stranger. His name was Adam, and we'd seen him when we went to see Thor.

"Hey Cas, you seen Dean?" I shrugged, remembering Dean's request that we be secretive in school. Well not secretive just not obnoxious about our relationship.

Just then, I felt two strong hands cover my eyes. My first guess would've been Dean, but his hands weren't that small.

"Guess who?" I heard a snarky obnoxious southern voice that I'd know anywhere.

"Meg!?" I exclaimed, turning so fast I almost fell. I wouldn't believe it at first, but there in front of me was my 5'4" tall best friend.

I gave her such a tight hug I'm sure she couldn't breathe. I hadn't seen her in almost a month, which may not seem a lot but she was my best friend.

"How? Don't you have school? Why?"

Just then Dean emerged from behind her with a single red rose.

"A little birdy told me that it's your birthday today."

I was too happy to be embarrassed or careful and I kissed him right then and there. Then I hugged him tight making sure to grab Meg as I did.

When I recovered from how absolutely adorable this was, the anger set in.

"Who told you?!" I demanded, trying my hardest to keep an angry expression as I looked over at Meg.

"Oh calm down Clarence, it wasn't me."

"Actually it was Gabe."

I stared at him and smiled. Gabe had been laughing all morning but every time I asked him why he just told me not to worry and that I'd find out soon.

"Thanks for helping Adam, there was no way I coulda snuck her in if you hadn't distracted him."

He help his fist out for a pound and I rolled my eyes.

"So how'd you two get along?" I asked, kinda concerned that they wouldn't get along.

"We're definitely gonna be okay getting along." Meg joked, putting Dean in a headlock and noogying him.

At 5'4" Meg was shorter than me, but much shorter than Dean so to see them like that was hilarious.

I was on cloud nine with Meg there and Dean holding my hand. I didn't even care when the conversation shifted and suddenly I was talking to new people.

Like all good things though, it wasn't made to last. "So Dean, not only are you gay now, but you're passing up babes too."

The voice was someone I didn't know but Dean automatically tensed up. "Crowley, I didn't know they were letting you out of the douchebag clinic."

"Oooo. Dean Winchester with the comebacks."

"Look asshat, I'll gladly break your nose again, but Cas here wouldn't like it if I broke my hand."

I shied away from the conversation, hiding behind Meg which proved futile when she moved forward to defend Dean.

"Hey look, do we have a problem here?"

"No problem here." The boy said, putting his hands up in surrender. "Not if that faggot knows what's good for him."

Dean surged forward but I caught his sleeve. I had encountered someone like this before. Meg looked back at me then went off on the boy.

"Lookie here boyo. I'm from Mississppi and have 4 brothers so I will not hesitate to hog tie you like a swine and make you into bacon. Now get away from my adorable best friend and his adorable boyfriend or I will stick that rose thorn side first up your ass. Do I make myself clear?"

Meg was scary enough when she threatened someone jokingly. I had no doubt that this guy wasn't taking her seriously.

"Sure sweetheart, now why don't you run along while the men play."

I love Meg to death, and at that moment I wanted to kiss her. When he placed his hand on her shoulder, she took his wrist and twisted it back at him, getting him on his knees.

"I told you not to mess with me, 'sweetheart'. Now are you gonna let me have my happy visit or do I need to re-ascend your testicles?"

He let out a choked back cry and nodded up at her. When she released, he ran away with his head between his legs mumbling about how Dean should control his little bitch.

"Sorry Clarence, I went and ruined your birthday surprise." I shushed her and gave her a big hug.

Dean seemed to be coming back to the now and thanked Meg for her help.

"I just wish I could kiss him without people telling us we don't deserve to exist."

I placed my hand on my arm, the whole situation reminding me a little too much of the summer.

Meg saw my shift in behavior or something and squeezed my arm. "You okay sweetie? I know that this is probably hard for you. Dean told me how well you've been doing."

Even hearing praise from her was hard. The world seemed to fade out. I remember bits and pieces of what happened next.

I remember sitting down, I remember feeling like there were bugs under my skin trying to crawl out, I remember scratching at it, then I remember Meg slapping me.

"Cas!" She whisper-shouted. I shook my head, everything coming back into focus. Dean was sitting on my right and Meg on my left as well as Adam standing in front of me.

It was then that I'd noticed I'd picked up the rose off the table and had cut my palm.

"I didn't... I'm not... I didn't do it on purpose."

Meg just put her hand on my back for support as Adam checked my hand.

"He'll be okay, I'll take him to the bathroom and clean him up, I have band aids so it shouldn't be a nurse problem."

I followed him to the bathroom and let him treat my hand.

"You don't have to be afraid to talk to me. I'm like another brother to Dean. He's kinda my hero."

I smiled politely at him and tried to not sound like an idiot.

"I'm not...good with...people." I said, hesitantly.

"I've never," I paused, taking a breath. "I've never been someone who has a lot of friends."

He nodded in understanding, opening the small first aid kit he'd brought with him. The alcohol swab stung like a bitch, but I'd gotten used to it quickly.

After he swabbed the cut, he put some Neosporin on and wrapped my hand in some gauze. I looked at him with a look of confusion when he pulled the gauze out instead of a bandaid.

"I didn't want to freak out Dean, he's kinda a pussy about people getting hurt. He'd have probably tried to take you to the hospital. It's just too big for a regular bandaid. Don't worry. I know you've seen much worse."

He tied the gauze on top of my hand. "What do you mean?"

"It's just the way you spaced out when it happened and how Meg and Dean looked at you. It reminded me of Dean when he was...troubled."

"You knew?" I asked, surprised by his response.

He sighed, washing his hands and grabbing a paper towel. He thought as he dried his hands, being careful of his response.

"I always notice when people are like that. I don't know how I know, but I do. I learn the contours and creases of their face when it comes to mind and then I try my best to help. I was worried Dean might relapse, but then you came along."

I smiled, thinking of my night with Dean under the stars where he first told me about his struggle.

"Normally I'd say that relationships like this would never last, but there is such an ease between you two. I knew you were trying to be discreet but whenever you two were around each other you glowed. You're so in love even if you don't know it yet."

I thought about what he said. Sure I knew I loved Dean. I loved him so much, but I wasn't too sure I was in love. Being in love was terrifying.

Was I in love? I'd never experienced it before. I'd experienced infatuation, lust, and like like, but was I in love?

Adam broke me out of my inner monologue with the opening of the squeaky door. I followed him out and felt a little blush summon when I saw Dean.

Meg and Dean had gotten lunch while I was getting patched up and now sat next to the rose. I might mention Dean picked the thorns off the rose.

"Cas, what's the damage?" Dean asked, not sure whether to seem scared or happy.

He always worried I was going to relapse, and not because he didn't have faith in me. He knew how much I wanted to stop, but he also knew how much the insecurities ate at me.

"Just a scratch. No need to worry, Adam got me patched up." Adam and I shared a knowing look and then he got very interested in his lunch once again.

"Clarence, in all the commotion I never got to tell you my news."

I stared at her in confusion. "What news?" I took my seat next to Dean and she turned to me with excitement in her voice.

"Guess who's the newest student of Lawrence High School?"

I nearly fell on the floor with the shock I felt. "Megan Ruby Masters don't you dare mess with me like that."

"I ain't pulling a trick Castiel James Novak. I'm 18 and I want to be with my best friend so I transferred myself to Lawrence. Shannon just wasn't home without you."

I hugged her tightly, not caring that my hand hurt. "But where are you gonna stay?"

"Don't worry Clarence, I worked everything out. I got a paid internship at a law firm and that's enough money for an apartment. Gabe and I worked all this out a few weeks back."

I thought back to when Gabe told me he was renting an apartment for us. It had seemed out of the blue, but now it makes sense.

"That sneaky bastard" I growled in annoyance. Meg grabbed my hand, and I couldn't help but smile.

"But we don't move in until the 20th." Meg just waved me off.

"I got my own place Clarence. A girl needs her space." I was still wondering about how all of this could be possible.

Meg had dropped everything for me, her boyfriend, her home, and her life. I'd always hated her boyfriend but he'd made her happy.

"I can't let you do this, what about Jack?"

"Jack was a quivering pussy. When I told him how much I missed you, he said he was glad he didn't have to pretend to like 'that faggot' anymore. So I did what any girl in my situation would do and punched him in his nibblets."

Sometimes I just really loved Meg more than I ever thought was humanly possible.

"Anyway Clarence, you have much better pickins here. Have you seen that butt?" She asked, turning and pointing at a boy who was leaning over to talk to a friend.

I smiled and punched her playfully. Realizing I was kind of neglecting Dean, I went to talk to him but found him in conversation with Adam.

"We are so having a Kiki this weekend. I'll have to invite the boys to hangout too."

She eyed Adam with a look I knew all too well.

"Down girl" I mocked, bringing her attention back.

"Adam is a nice guy, I won't have you corrupting him."

She looked at me with an innocent look, "who? Me? I would never."

We laughed and I was reminded of how happy I was that she was here.

"So what classes are you taking?"

"The senior curriculum. Precalculus, language, environmental science, gym, personal finance, ap European history and holocaust and genocide."

I almost jumped up and down with joy.

"We have a class together!" I asked excitedly.

She nodded, clearly amused by my response. "You and pretty boy."

I smiled. "So you like him?"

She smiled reassuringly and said, "I sure do Clarence. He really cares about you, and that's all that matters to me."

That seemed out of character for my abrasive and threatening best friend.

"But if he hurts you I'll cut off his testicles and stick a sharp object up her hoo hah"

I laughed with her as Dean looked over with a horrified expression. He'd apparently heard that part.

We caught up as much as we could before the bell rang. Dean offered to show her where her class was since they were on the same floor, and I walked with Adam to the culinary room.

The day passed quickly after that, class was of course much less interesting than Meg. We texted so much back and forth I almost got my phone confiscated twice.

After school, Dean drove Meg and I home and we hung out for a few hours. Dean was invited but he argued that the best present he could give was girl time. I kissed him goodbye and then he was gone.

"So Clarence, why aren't you climbing that like a tree? There's no possibility of baby scare. I'd be all up on that if I was you."

I blushed a deep scarlet and chastised her uncomfortably. "It's been like a week and it's not like I'm experienced. I'm not ready."

She conceded, noticing my shift. "I'm just saying Cassie, you clearly love the guy."

That word rang in my mind clear as day. Love. Who was I to love someone four days into our relationship. It had only been four days but Dean and I felt like we'd been together forever.

Did I love Dean? Absolutely. Was I in love with Dean? I couldn't quite tell. A lot of people think that there's two kinds of love, fleeting and lasting. Dean and I were at a new level.

He was my world and my anchor. Before I met him I felt like a flower in winter, doomed to wither away and never feel the gentle warmth of Spring. With him now, I felt like he was the sun that shone only for me.

It was freaking me out how much I liked him. I mean what if he didn't feel the same? What if he left me?

I started to breathe heavy and everything shuffled in and out of focus. I grabbed my head and closed my eyes, feeling Meg's arms around me.

"It's okay Cassie, I didn't mean to upset you. Shush it's okay." It wasn't until her voice came clear that I realized I was crying.

"When was the last time you took your medicine?" She asked, her face full of concern.

I shrugged wiping my face to get rid of the tears. My anti-depressants and anxiety pills didn't work nearly as well as being with Dean. It's been four days or so.

"Four days I guess." Her eyes went wide and she pulled her phone out and dialed.

"Hey Gabby...yeah it's nice to be here...no it's not that. Where are Cas's medicine?"

She stood up and followed the directions Gabe provided and in a few moments came back with a large green pill and a small red and white pill.

I looked at her with my best miserable expression but she just used her mom voice and I gave in. The pills weren't hard to swallow but I felt defeated.

I'd been determined to get better on my own.

"I can't believe you stopped taking them."

"I can't believe I started. I'm not crazy."

"No, you're not Clarence. There is a chemical inbalance in your brain which makes your emotions a little bit wobbly. You'll be fine if you take these."

I just nodded and laid back on the couch. She rolled her eyes at me and popped in our favorite movie.

"This'll cheer you up." She cooed as the intro to mean girls played.

It was Cady's speech that I loved most in that movie. It was a comedy but it tackled real issues.

Meg and I lit up during the middle and laughed. She always said I was Damian and she was Janice.

I absolutely did love though when their kiss came up and she went "No hetero."

When she left to go to her new place, I frowned but knew I'd see her tomorrow and everything seemed fine. For once I slept well and I dreamed


	5. It's a Wonderful Life Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is part one of his Christmas experience. I found that it was better to combine Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

December 24 & 25, 2013 Day 33 and 34 Part 1

It was our 4th day in the new apartment and it was spectacular. I had my own room. There was no Luke or mom. Gabe was almost my dad.

And since Gabe was at work a lot and I still wasn't supposed to be allowed to be alone, Dean had a spare key. Meg came to visit before she went home for Christmas.

It was times like this that made me forget to write for a while. Meg had gone home until after New Years, so Dean and I were spending Christmas Eve together.

I guess you could say we were in our honeymoon phase. He was helping me so much. Ever since he showed me that he had faced what I had and overcome it, he's been here for me to make sure I can do the same.

Dean is there for me when I need him. He even set my number in his phone to a special ringtone just for the me. 

After he coerced my favorite song out of me, and now every time I call him Can't Help Falling in Love With You plays. 

Before my dad left and my mom got... like she is, she used to sing it to me as a lullaby. It was their wedding song and sometimes when I listen to it, I like to imagine what it would've been like to grow up in a normal happy family.

"Okay, we got National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation or 3 options of a Christmas Carol."

"Hmm" I mused as I considered. 

"You got the 1951 Carol?"

"Yup, best version if you ask me."

"I agree. Pop it in."

He did so and then we sat on the couch together. I leaned against one side of the couch, and he leaned against me. His head rested in my stomach and I played with his hair as we watched.

"It's old Fezziwig." I quoted, feeling all his movements as he laughed. 

"Sammy and I used to watch this every year."

"To what do I owe the honor?"

"Well Jess invited Sam to have an actual family dinner so I figured I could spend Christmas Eve with my better half."

I laughed at his compliment and kissed his forehead,

"I always felt bad for Belle. She loved him so much."

"Promise me when you become a rich and famous surgeon that you'll never leave me behind."

"Now how could I ever leave you behind." I asked, as he shifted so he was facing me.

"I hope you never do." He mused, connecting his lips with mine. Soon the carol was forgotten and we were playing tonsil hockey.

No matter what Dean says, I will be adamant that I was in fact winning. 

"I'd say you two better not be making babies, but I know that's physically impossible so can you stop snacking on Dean's face long enough to have dinner?"

I groaned, stealing one more kiss before we both helped set the table for dinner.

Gabe had bought one of those rotisserie chickens and some sides from the supermarket. 

"Before we start, let's say grace." Gabe chastised as Dean started cutting into his chicken. Dean shot me a confused glance but all I did was shrug.

"Dear lord, thank you for the food on our table. But most importantly, thank you for sending Dean to Cas, I've never seen him so happy."

I just stared at him, then he looked over expectantly. I think it was meant to be a sign to say something.

"Dear God, thanks for Gabe, Meg, and Dean and for finally doing something about my terrible life. Well I guess it's wonderful now."

I rolled my eyes at the smirk on Dean's face. Then I gave him the same expectant look.

He tried to argue but I squeezed his hand and he complied.

"Dear well whoever is up there. I'm not gonna say thanks for my shit stain of a life, but I guess some angel magic had to go on for Cas to be mine so thanks for him."

I was touched by his words and I couldn't help thinking how much he meant to me. 

"Food now?" He asked, shooting me puppy dog eyes.

"Yes Dean. Food now." We began to eat, and I always had a theory they injected crack into the chicken.

Dean had 3 plates and looked disgustingly happy when I pulled out the pie I'd bought for him. It was that stupid grin on his face that made me realize just how much I loved him.

Normally you hear the cliches of teenagers proclaiming they love each other after barely any time dating, but Dean and I were so much more.

When I first met him, I found him annoyingly gorgeous and unbelievably unattainable. I never dreamed that he and I would ever date. 

The first words he spoke to me were to ask for a pen and the minute I heard his voice I was in love. 

Stupid smug bastard meant more to me than anyone else in the world and it had been less than 2 weeks.

You're just a diary, but I'm still gonna ask. Have you ever fallen so hard and so fast that you thought if they weren't by your side the earth wasn't spinning and time seemed to slow to an unbearable speed?

Listen to me. I sound like a lovesick puppy. I was broken out of my overthinking my love for him by Gabe as he brought out dessert. He'd gotten a cake from the bakery that was shaped like a stocking.

"Gabe why are we having a cake tonight? The big meal isn't until tomorrow." I asked, regretfully remembering that we had to go back to the house tomorrow for Christmas dinner.

"Because, Cassie, I like to spoil my little brother and his boyfriend. Besides I thought we'd have a family meal with the people we actually consider family. I only wish Meg and Sam could've come."

I smiled widely and thanked him. I guess he'd been thinking the same thing I had about him being my only real family. We each had a slice of cake, then I dug into the ice cream.

I always loved ice cream, it's probably my favorite food. Gabe always kept some in the freezer for me. He was the best big brother anyone could ask for. He had been in his chair, thinking, when I noticed his frown.

"But look on the bright side Gabe, Michael will be home for dinner tomorrow."

That woke him right up and he was back to smiling. Michael meant a lot to him and he hadn't seen him in almost 2 months.

"Dean what are you doing for dinner tomorrow?" Gabe asked, and I swallowed hard. I would love for Dean to spend as much time with me as possible, but I absolutely did not want Dean meeting my mother. 

Mother tried to hide it as much as possible, but she hates me for what I am. She thinks homosexuals should all burn in the fiery pits of hell. 

When I first came out, she didn't speak to me. She would just passive-aggressively read anti-gay quotes from the bible. She looked at me like I was a demon sent to punish her for her sins, and that's when the drinking started.

"I'm not doing anything. My pops is probably gonna order pizza like we do every Christmas. Besides you're next door so it's not like I can get home late."

He smiled at me before resuming his position on the couch, waiting for me to join him.

With uneasy happiness, I sat down next to him and we shifted back to how we were. He started drifting off around the ghost of Christmas past and was asleep by Christmas Day.

I ran my fingers along his face, tracing from his jawline up to his short hair. I kissed his forehead and laid my head back to sleep. Dean sleeping was an image I could get used to falling asleep to.

I was woken up in the morning by the sound of bacon sizzling. I looked at the time and saw that it was nearly noon. Panic gripped me tight when I saw that Dean wasn't next to me.

"When did he leave?" I asked solemnly. 

"Oh Gabe, he just ran out to get some orange juice. We didn't have any so he's braving the cold for me."

I was shocked when it wasn't Gabe who responded, but Dean. I shot up and stared at him with confusion.

"Oh did you think I left?" He asked, nonchalantly as he put some bacon on a plate.

"When I woke up it was already too late to go home so I thought I'd make you some breakfast. Oh and I think someone has got some presents under the tree."

I laughed at that remark, staring at the tiny fake tree Gabe had bought us from target. It couldn't be more than 2 feet tall, but sure enough there were presents under its plastic branches.

"I have to get your present from my room. Hold on."

Since we'd moved in so recently, everything except the living room, kitchen, and bathroom was crowded with boxes. I had packed Dean's present safely away and knew just where it was. I couldn't wait for him to open it.

When I returned after nearly falling, twice, he was putting breakfast on the table.

"Such a good little housewife." I remarked at first notice of his apron.

He just laughed and kissed me. He seemed surprised when I pulled him closer, forcing him to sit in my lap.

"Woah!! Seriously! Can't I walk into my apartment one time without you two making out."

I blushed and Dean got up to finish making the table.

"Merry Christmas guys." I called before digging into breakfast. Dean had made my favorite, bacon on the side of chocolate chip pancakes.

Gabe saw the chocolate and immediately set out to eat 4 pancakes. Dean laughed as he was usually the one eating a lot. He was a surprisingly good cook for his macho exterior.

"Present time." Dean said, excitedly as we cleared the table after everyone was done.

I nearly skipped to the couch as Gabe brought over the small pile of presents. "I'll go first." He offered, a childlike smirk gracing his lips.

"To Assbutt, from Cassie."

He grabbed the rectangular package and shook it gently before tearing off the wrapping paper. Inside was one of those assorted chocolate boxes and a gift card to a candy shop next to his job.

"You know me." He said, faking tears before giving me a hug.

"Next, To Gabby, from Megara. Oh lord."

Meg always had a tradition of giving the most funny and useless gifts.

Inside was a framed photo of a lollipop. Nevertheless it was a good minute before Gabe regained normal breathing patterns.

"To Gabriel, from Dean." He gave Dean an appreciative look before unwrapping the small container.

Inside was a locket. When he opened it, there was a picture of me, and picture of Michael, and a picture of a red-haired girl. 

"Anna..." I heard him whisper, and he looked like he just might cry. His voice was soft when he spoke, cracking. 

"How'd you know about Anna? I've never even told Cas."

I shot them both a look of pure confusion.

"Meg told me when I went to pick her up. You loved her, so I figured you'd love to have her with you."

That's when Gabe did something I'd never seen him do before. He cried. Well he hugged Dean and cried.

"You don't know how much this means to me." He praised, drying his eyes and pulling away.

"Cassie, this girl was my first and only love. We were together for 3 years. I was going to ask her to marry me, but then one night she got in her car to drive to the mall and she was hit by a drunk driver."

My breath caught and I felt such sudden sadness that it hurt. "Why'd you never tell me about her?"

"It was when you were getting bad with your depression and Mom didn't know. She was Meg's cousin so Meg was really the only one who knew."

I felt angry at him for keeping this from me, but at the same time, seeing the smile on his face when he looked at her picture made everything else seem to fade away.

"Okay, your turn." I mused, turning to Dean.

He looked at my distraction present for him and smiled. It was a small box, and he ripped the wrapping paper gently. He grinned happily when he looked at it.

"You made me a cd for the impala?"

I nodded, "I took your favorite songs. Carry on My Wayward Son is the first track and I even threw in some Metallica and AC/DC."

He gave me a quick kiss on the lips and looked at me expectantly. 

"You aren't done Dean." I said, grabbing 3 more presents for him.

"These are all for me?" He asked, a sincere disbelief in his tone.

"Yup. This ones from Meg." I included, handing him a bag.

He moved aside the wrapping paper to reveal a picture of me and Dean. She must've taken it when we had nodded off after they helped me and Gabe move in. We were both asleep with my head on his chest.

"I'll have to thank her when she gets back." The smile on his face was just so cute that I had to kiss his cheek.

"Next is from me Deedee." Gabe teased, handing him an antique hat box.

Inside was a bunch of comics ranging from Batman to Guardians of the Galaxy. "Sweet!" He cooed, paging through the 20 some odd books.

"I first got into comics when I was your age, I thought you could give them a shot. Who knows maybe you'll get a new obsession."

He held out his fist for a pound and mouthed thanks before noticing he had one more present. "What's this? Everyone already gave me their gifts."

I smiled my best smile and handed him my final gift. "Just a little something extra. From me."

He just grinned and tore into the paper. He looked like he was gonna cry when he opened it up. 

"Mom. But how? I thought my dad had gotten rid of all the pictures."

He held a frame which encased a photo of a young blonde woman and a 3 year old Dean.

"Sammy found it for me. He told me that it'd mean a lot to you to have a picture of you two."

I realized then just how depressing some of our Christmas presents had been. Dean clutched the picture and held it close to him.

"I guess it's my turn." I said, swallowing hard before gathering my three presents.

I opened Meg's first and starting laughing hard. She'd gotten me a life size David Tennant cardboard cutout. Needless to say I was ecstatic. We put a Santa hat on his and perched him next to the fridge.

Next up was Gabe's gift. He had gotten me a real ring of the one ring from lord of the rings. I hugged him and thanked him before slipping it on and pretending to be invisible.

Next up was a large box from Dean. Inside was a tan trench coat. 

"You were complaining that your coat was falling apart so I got you a new one." I smiled and hugged him before putting it on.

"Like a less flamboyant but still as gay Liberace." Gabe commented and I stuck my tongue out at him in defiance.

"It's look good on you babe." Dean cooed, wolf whistling as I did a little twirl.

"Oh golly gee sweetheart am I the prettiest gal at the ball?" I asked, fluttering my eyelashes in faux flirtation.

"Well I don't know. Will you allow me to ask you for a dance?" He asked, standing and taking my hands.

Gabe laughed and started whistling a waltz as we danced. He twirled me and made me feel weightless. This was the happiest I had been in years.

"I must say, you dance really well." I mocked jokingly.

"Oh shut up princess." He retorted as he dipped me. We shared a sweet and short kiss and then the song was over.

Gabe broke into my dream world with some bad news.

"We have to go meet Mom at the church." He said somberly with a hint of disdain.

That was the agreement with my mom so she'd let me live with Gabriel. We had to attend church with her on Sundays and holidays.

"You don't have to come Dean, it's gonna be a long ceremony."

He seemed to think it over and then sighed. "I'm not religious. In fact I'm pretty atheist, but I want to make a good impression."

I looked at him with a smile before looking at his clothes. "You can't go to. Christmas mass in jeans Dean."

I offered, giving him one last chance to cut and run.

"We'll stop home on the way to church and he can change." Gabe offered, as he pushed me to get ready.

In my room, I glared at the suit I had to wear. To other people, it was a nice change. The black fabric slims and in some opinions makes men more attractive. 

I do agree though that it makes men hotter. The best example is Tom Hiddleston. That man is attractive all the time, but put him in a suit and he's a god.

For me though, this suit has always been a cage that my mother has put me in. When I'm in it I'm not Cas anymore. I'm Castiel James Novak, and my life is meaningless.

I walked out when I was done to find Dean waiting for me and Gabe holding car keys. 

"Ready?" He asked, grabbing my hand.

"Ready." I lied.


	6. It's a Wonderful Life Part 2

December 25, 2014 Day 34 Part 2

Sorry to drop out on you, but I realized I wrote Christmas and Christmas Eve together. Because of that, here is Christmas Day part 2 for your enjoyment and my horror.

Church was boring as all fuck, and Dean kept making sizzling noises at me as if the holiness burned. I really think my mother has never scowled so much in her life.

It was a triumph of some sort for me to be so open with Dean. The church represented all the reasons I was abused as a child.

I wasn't good enough for God. God hates gay people. Your life is a path of sin. Over and over my mother preached hate in His holy name.

I tensed up every time the priest mentioned loving one another in his sermon. Dean nearly started laughing and I had to elbow him to get him to stop.

Sure it was hypocritical and I hated it, but to some of these people it was a huge part of their lives. Just because it ruined my life doesn't mean I have a right to scoff at it.

That's something people don't seem to understand. Tolerance isn't found in hate or anger. You have to be accepting of things, even if they have hurt you.

The most painful thing I ever had to do was walk into a church the day after I told my mother I was gay, and feel every single eye glare at me. Satan himself could not have sent more hate towards me.

You don't understand anything about hate until you have been told by your mother that no one needs, wants, or lives you.

After mass was over as was my deep reflection of the state of my mental health, Gabe, Dean, and I drove to the house. The ride was all too short, but I made use of it.

Dean and I sat in the back, and Gabe drove. I utilized the time to get as close to Dean as I possibly could.

I placed my lips against his. I had meant it to be short and sweet, but I felt all my insecurities begin to fade away.

We broke apart, and looking into his eyes I found the strength I needed to do what I'd been so afraid of doing.

"Dean...I love you."

It was in his green eyes that I saw his emotions. He was ecstatic, in love, disappointed, and shocked all at once.

My heart beat in my ears was the only sound I heard. He waited to respond. I saw a flicker of indecision in his eyes.

"I love you too Cas." He finally replied after an agonizing pause.

"I'm sorry, I know it's crazy. We've only been together for like 2 weeks. I'm sorry." I ranted, his answer not quite hitting me yet.

I was rambling when Dean's lips met mine for a short kiss.

"It's not crazy. These 2 weeks with you have been happier for me than the last 17 years of my life. I haven't been happy like you make me happy in a long time."

"My world is better because you're in it." I respond, tears coming to my eyes.

"Cas, you are my world."

I hugged him tight, and he rested his chin on my head.

"Sorry to break up the teen love and all, but we're here." Gabe called, once again bursting his stupid reality into my dream.

All the happiness I was just feeling was violently shoved out of my mind by anger, fear, and disappointment.

I grabbed Dean's hand and held on tight as we walked to the door.

"Mom?" Gabe called, and he heard a shuffling of feet.

"Oh Gabriel, I'm so glad you could join us." She cast a glare at Dean and I and then walked to the living room.

"Dinners just about done, would you like a drink?" She asked, once again only looking at Gabe.

"Actually Ms. Novak, I was wondering if I could have a glass of water." Dean offered, and the glare she shot him was short lived. Her reputation as a good hostess overwhelmed her hatred.

"Of course. Just let me get it." Her voice was sickeningly sweet, like what I imagined a siren would sound like before it led you to your death.

"Dean, you don't have to stay you know. I can handle this on my own." I pride myself in being a capable liar, but he saw right through me.

"As long as you need me, I'll be here." He promised, kissing my forehead quickly before my mother returned with his water.

"Dean, I don't believe you've met my other son Luke." She motioned, as my ashy blonde brother moseyed in looking absolutely miserable.

"Oh goodie. Another faggot." Luke mocked, his voice full of annoyance. Ever since Michael left he's hated everyone and everything.

"Hey Luke. I'm Dean." Dean offered his hand in greetings, but my brother just rolled his eyes.

"Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I have to be nice." He stated, but after a few moments he grabbed his hand.

"Are you as girly as Cassie, or are you one of those manly gays?" Luke asked, and it almost sounded like he actually cared but I'm sure it was just a miscommunication.

"Well I'd say I'm manlier than Cas, but I still like dudes. I'm training with my dad's friend Bobby to become a mechanic after graduation so I guess that's a man thing." Dean replied, laughing at the phrase.

I eyed the two carefully as Luke did his squinty eye thing. It was something he did when meeting new people to decide whether or not he liked him.

It was understandable if he did like him. Sometimes he reminded me a lot of Michael.

"Oh yeah? What kind of car do you drive?" Luke asked, clearly skeptical of his knowledge and challenging him.

Dean glowed with pride when he responded with, "a 1967 black Chevrolet Impala. My dad bought it new after he got home from his tour in the war."

At the mention of war, Luke lost all the possible happiness in his expression.

"Yeah well soldiers are assholes. They never think of the people they leave behind." Dean looked confused but then I noticed a glint of understanding in his eyes.

"My dad always said that the war was worth fighting because he needed to protect those he left behind. Maybe your brother is trying the best way he knows how to protect you."

I thought Luke was going two punch Dean, but his fists stayed in a ball at his sides. He ran away from us and everything and I heard a door slam upstairs.

"Good job Dean, I suppose well be eating just the four of us now. Isn't it nice that you've made a family member upset at a dinner you weren't invited to?"

There it was. My angel mother letting her darkness slip out. I was ready and willing to fight for him, but he stopped me by placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Ms. Novak, I don't know what you have done to make your son hate you so much, but Cas wants me here, so I am here. Now when's dinner?" His voice was matter of fact and cold.

She glared at him and I could see an anger in her eyes I'd never seen before. She had probably never been spoken to like that and I imagine it was burning her up inside.

Gabe cleared his throat loudly and she snapped back to her picture perfect facade.

"Dinner should be just about ready. Gabriel, why don't you go set the table? Castiel, go up to your brother's room and get him down here for dinner."

She ignored Dean altogether which made me grateful. I hoped that I could just get through this meal without my mother killing my boyfriend.

I wasn't too thrilled about invading Luke's lair, but I'd rather be there than sitting in that room. You could smell the tension growing and I needed to breath.

When he ignored my knocks, I pulled the key off the top of the frame and put it in.

"Your room smells as delightful as ever Luke." I joked, trying to get across to his bed without stepping on the piles of useless shit he had everywhere.

"What do you want Castiel? Don't tell me Naomi sent you? That bitch needs to stay in her own business. And so does your pretty boy boyfriend."

I gracefully ignored that comment about Dean and focused on my task at hand.

"Look Luke, we still have at least 5 minutes before Mom's done resetting the table after Gabe does it incorrectly. Whats up?"

He looked like he was thinking over something. It was like he was deciding whether or not to actually talk to me.

"I miss Mike."

"I miss him too Luke, but he's out there serving our country."

"No, Cas you don't understand."

"Then tell me. Tell me so I understand."

"He's my idol. He raised me. You at least had Gabe and Michael, you never had to deal with mom."

"What do you mean, of course I had to deal with her."

"Not like I did. Not like me."

He spaced out for a bit, turning his head towards the window.

"I don't think she even remembers doing it. She must've been drunk every time."

"It was right after dad left. You were still her little baby, what with your dark hair and bright blue eyes. Oh but me. I look just like dad. When she got drunk, she used to scream at me about how I ruined her life. That's what it all started as, then came the abuse."

"I was 7. Seven years old. Do you know what kind of sick person hits a seven year old? Naomi. Michael was the first to notice when she hit me. He confronted her about it. She said she had no idea what he was talking about. That's when he started taking me to baseball games. He was 15 and I never knew where he found the money, but he always made sure to get me out of the house when he thought she might have one of her episodes. I remember this one day when she was trying to hit me for breaking a plate. She wasn't yelling at me for that though, she was yelling at me for breaking her heart. She went to hit me with the first thing she could get her hands on. Mike got in her way. Plate fragments got stuck in his back and we had to go to the hospital. That's when she stopped. I guess whatever Michael told her that day really hit her. But anyway. Since that day Michael has been my only real protection from her and with you and Gabe gone, I'm terrified that she might start hitting me again."

He started to cry, and I just held him tight. Luke had never seemed like he had any feelings. He always distanced himself from me, from Gabe, from everyone.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" I asked, my eyes starting to tear up.

"You were 5. What was I supposed to say? You loved Mom. You were her little angel. I was like Satan when he betrayed God. How dare I look like him? How dare I exist to remind her of what she's missing."

He shook from how bad he was sobbing at this point. It was then that I decided I was going to stand up against Naomi for once in my life.

"Luke. Go downstairs and tell Gabe heaven. He'll know what it means and he'll take you to our apartment. You can stay with us. You don't have to live here anymore. Okay?"

He rubbed his hands against his cheeks and nodded. Reaching for a tissue, he blew his nose and dried his face with his shirt.

I helped him up and then we both headed downstairs. He went towards Gabe, and I went towards Naomi.

"Naomi!" I yelled, ordering her to pay attention to me.

"Castiel?! I'm surprised at you. I'm used to this kind of disrespect from Luke, but you? I am your mother,"

"Yes Naomi. I am not disrespecting you. I'm showing you the respect you deserve. For 3 years I put up with your shit. I was so full of hate for myself that I was convinced I was the problem. But I'm not. You are. You are nothing but a bully and a hateful woman. You are cruel and disgusting and were not going to put up with it anymore. Ever since you first found out I was gay, you have spent every waking moment ensuring my misery. You not only mentally and emotionally abused me, but you physically abused Luke and that is the last straw. I've known Dean for a month, and he's been better family to me than you've been my entire life. I'm done putting up with your harassment just because you gave birth to me. You may be my mother, but we are not family. Luke is coming to live with me and and Gabe. And when I turn 18, you will never hear from me again. You are a miserable old troll and it's no wonder our father left."

She stood there with a glare I would liken to looking into the heart of the sun. Looking at her expression, I could almost feel her hatred. It was oozing out of her like a leak.

I knew I'd gone a bit overboard and so I left. Walking out of that house was the most exhilarating moment I'd ever felt. I was finally free.

I knew then that I would be okay. Dean was helping me, and so were Gabe and Meg. They were waiting for me in the car when I went outside.

"Cas, thank you." Luke spoke quietly, sitting in the passenger's seat.

Dean sat quietly, but he had a huge smile on his face.

"Baby. I'm so proud of you. You finally stood up to your bully." He kissed my nose and scooted over so I could sit next to him.

We drove home in a comfortable silence.

"Sorry we didn't actually get to have dinner, but we have some of those heat up dinners in the freezer."

He laughed at that and kissed me again. "I'll eat when I get back. I should leave when we get to your apartment. My dad will probably want me home before it gets dark."

I nodded sadly and kissed him once more. When we got there, we kissed quickly before he left.

"Okay lover boy. What happened back at the house? I know heaven is our safe word for get me out of here now, but how did Luke know it?"

Luke gave me a look that told me not to say a word.

"What does it matter? Naomi was an abusive manipulative bitch and I'm happy we can all be together."

He sighed and shrugged. "Okay número uno in la Casa de Gabriel is you do not get to be a whiny little bitch. You just so happen to be lucky enough that we have a guest bedroom in the apartment. If not you would've had to live with Meg. So no going around like no one understands you and you're the most miserable person in the world. Número dos, you're getting a job. Cas is still in school so I don't expect him to help with rent, but you're almost 20 and you have no means of supporting yourself."

He scoffed at that and groaned, but nodded after a moment.

"Good. Now let's go have a family dinner."

We got inside and heated up some dinners. It was the first meal we'd had as a family in a while. Right after we finished, Gabe shot up and ran to his room muttering about it almost being time.

Luke and I just stared after him confused, but I gave up on trying to figure out what he was up to and decided to clean up.

"Luke I forgot to give you your present."

Luke and I shared a brief glance as Gabe came out holding a box.

By the sound of the jiggling, it was pretty heavy. "This is for me?" Luke questioned, a look of confusion seeming kinda permanent which was a nice change from his usual smug smirk.

"Yup." Gabe giggled, handing him the large package.

The box was wrapped in barbie wrapping paper, I should note. As the pink paper got ripped, I could see a huge smile on his face.

"A laptop?! No way!" Luke hugged Gabe which was both happy to watch as well as creepy as fuck.

"Thats not all. Why don't you turn it on?"

Luke struggled for a moment to get the box open before Gabe handed him a small pair of scissors. Once it was open, he turned it on and found it was already set up.

"I took the time to make you a skype account. The login information is in a word document titled, 'You're welcome asshole.'"

A little blip from skype seemed to attract all of our attention. "What does that mean?"

Luke asked, having never had a skype before. I started to piece together Gabe's plan when he mentioned skype.

Not to be disappointed, when he answered the incoming call, there in his fatigues was Michael.

"Hey Luci, Merry Christmas!"

"Michael? How are we talking? Aren't you at your base?"

"Well Gabe called the other day and told me to request a time slot for Christmas so here I am. It's great to see you all. You too Cassie."

I nodded towards him and scooted my chair closer to Luke.

"With this computer, you can talk to him all you want. You just have to work out a schedule that works for you both."

Michael nodded, "That shouldn't be too hard. I'm not stationed near any fighting, mostly just scouting missions for me."

This allowed me to sigh a breath of relief. I had been terrified what could happen to him over there.

Luke looked like he was ready to cry, so I grabbed Gabe's arm and dragged him to his room.

"Let's let him enjoy his present alone for a bit. Okay? This is the first time he's talked to Mike since he was shipped off."

"I've never seen him so happy."

"I haven't either. All thanks to you Gabe. Merry Christmas."

We talked for a bit, then I went to my room and got to sleep. Sleep has been coming to me much easier since I started taking my anti depressants again.

Anyway. Merry Christmas to all those out there, and to all a good night.


	7. New Year Blues

December 31, 2013 Day 40

I had a relapse today. Luke was out with friends, Dean was working at the garage, and Gabe had work. I promised them I'd be okay in my own.

The anti-depressants were helping so I thought I'd be okay. I wasn't.

It was a bittersweet moment when I first met skin with blade. I knew in my mind that I shouldn't, but oh was it a sweet release.

I missed it, like a junkie getting one more taste. I was half way through my third cut when I caught sight of a post it on the bathroom mirror.

It had a note written on it in sloppy hand writing that I'd grown familiar of.

It was a quote from Khalil Gibran, "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."

My body went weak and I dropped the blade. Immediately I began to cry, feeling so guilty for what I'd done.

I turned on the faucet and scrubbed at my skin until it stopped bleeding. I cleaned up everything as best I could.

The winter is the easiest time to hide what you want no one to see, no one raises an eye at someone in long sleeves in the winter.

When the door opened, I scrambled to my bedroom to make it seem like I took a nap.

"Cas?" Gabe called, dropping off the groceries on the table before coming to look for me.

"Hey Cas, sorry to wake you."

I swallowed hard before looking at him. That's the one upside of cutting, you become a very good liar.

"No it's okay, I was up." I pretended to rub my eyes, faking a yawn before sitting up.

"You're home early."

"Yeah, I finished my work early. One good thing about being in a cubicle."

I frowned at him and before I knew it, I was breaking down.

"I'm so sorry Gabe. You gave up school, and everything to be here and I just got in the way. You could've been a teacher like you planned, but I got in the way. Your life would be so much better if I didn't exist."

He grabbed me tight and I felt his arms around me.

"Don't you ever say that Cas. Taking care of you is a privilege and I am so happy that I come home every day and you're still here."

I felt his chest begin to shake against my head and realized he had started to cry.

"I was so terrified, in the beginning, that I would lose you. Cassie you mean the world to me. After Anna, I wanted to make sure that I never had to lose anyone else I loved."

"You won't lose me Gabe. I'm right here."

"I'm here too Cas. I'm here for you and I always will be. So if I have to work some shitty job until you start your adult life a happy and successful whatever you want to be, that is my privilege. Don't you ever apologize for being the one good part of my life."

We sat like that for a long time, even after we stopped crying. Gabe's hand on my back was so comforting.

"I'm sorry for breaking down like that. I just think that maybe I'm not quite ready to be alone yet."

Gabe nodded, as we broke apart. "Dean called me, he's gonna go straight home after work. So it's just you and me for dinner. Whatcha want? I just bought pizza dough."

My face lit up, and I followed him to the kitchen. "Do we have mushrooms?"

I ask, not really to Gabe. I just look in the fridge without waiting for a response.

It was fun to build our pizza. Gabe wanted peppers and sausage, gross by the way, and I wanted mushrooms, so we did half and half. While it baked, Gabe turned on the pre ball drop concert.

"He's pretty cute." I commented, watching some young singer dance around the stage to poppy lyrics.

"Music is not bad either." Gabe started, looking at me expectantly. I rolled my eyes at him and turned my attention back to the tv.

Ever since I was little, I loved listening to Michael's records. The radio never really suited me, so I was very far behind on my music update.

Ever since the death of Freddie Mercury, music has been less about commentary and thought provoking lyrics and more about making money.

We suffered through about and hour more of this cookie cutter pop star shit before I asked if we could watch a movie.

Gabe nodded and told me to pick one as he got up to get a beer.

"You okay with Forrest Gump?" I called, hearing an approving grunt in response.

It was only 7, so we still had 5 hours until the glorious year 2014. I popped in the disk and laid back.

"My name's Forrest. Forrest, Gump." Gabe and I quoted together.

Gabe didn't know it, but the real reason I loved this movie was Jenny. She felt like she was drowning. I learned from her that it was possible to escape.

My escapes were unhealthy, but escape I did.

I touched my arm mindlessly and stared at the screen. Forrest's world was so vast, yet so infinitely tiny.

"What do you think happens when we die?" I asked towards the end.

Jenny had just died and it was a question no one ever really answered.

"Well I hope that when we die there's a heaven waiting for us out there somewhere."

I regarded him skeptically. He may be good to me, but he was no angel.

"You don't have to be religious to believe in something. Anna is up there looking down on me. I'd like to be able to join her up there some day."

I nodded at him, thinking over what he'd told me.

"What about you? What do you think happens when we die?"

"I like to believe there's a God up there who looks down on us and loves all his children. But then I look at people like mom...Naomi, and I find it hard to believe that any God exists."

I took a sip of water from my glass. "What kind of father leaves his children with people like her?"

I gave it away that at this point I was thinking more about dad than God. He left us with that monster. She verbally, emotionally, and physically abused her children.

How can a god exist that allows someone to beat their child?

"He must've had a reason to leave."

"Yeah, because he didn't give a shit about any of us."

"Come on, I've got a surprise for you." Gabe mused, capturing my attention.

"Go wait in your room for a sec." I groaned, but retired to my room.

There was a thump and a scratch before Gabe gave me the all clear to come back into the den.

"Ta-da!" He proclaimed, moving aside to reveal my record player. Well it wasn't mine, it was Michael's, but he gave me permission to look after it.

"Sweet! I though Naomi wouldn't let you take it." I hugged him tight before perusing my crate of records.

"She doesn't know it's gone. I went to get it while she was at her bible study."

I ran my fingers along the grooves of my favorite record and put it in.

Wise men say  
Only fools rush in  
But I can't help  
Falling in love with you

I smiled happily, which started to hurt after I heard a gruff voice behind me sing.

Like a river flows  
Surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
Somethings are meant to be

"Dean!" I exclaimed, as I stood to go give him a kiss.

I glared at Gabe. "You said he wouldn't be here tonight."

"He wasn't supposed to be." Gabe responding, holding his hands up defensively.

"Me and my old man had a bout. Figured it'd be better to spend my time with you than calculating different ways to get away with killing him."

I didn't know what to say. Instead I just nodded and regarded him sadly. There was something in his smile that seemed painful.

Like he was broken and trying to piece himself back together before anyone noticed. I dragged him to my room and closed the door.

"Take off your shirt."

The demanding tone in my voice surprised me too, but he just clung to the fabric.

"Cas, Gabe's in the other room...do you think we..."

I blushed furiously and cleared my throat to still sound demanding.

"Shirt off."

He reluctantly did so, bringing it slowly over his head. After all this time together, this was my first time seeing him shirtless.

My eyes glossed over his toned muscles straight to the hints of dark bruising on his side.

"Turn around Dean."

He stayed still, his eyes finding mine. There was an embarrassment and anger in him that I couldn't understand.

"He did this to you?"

"No. I got into an accident on Bobby's motorcycle the other day."

"You would've told me."

"Yeah well maybe I don't tell you everything."

That hit me like a hard slap to the face, but I knew it was the anger talking.

"I'm broken too Dean, I know that you didn't get into an accident. One good thing about cutting is you become an excellent liar. But not good enough to lie to me."

"No one cares that you're broken Cas!" He screamed, his anger reaching a boiling point.

"Just because you're broken and everyone needs to tip toe around you doesn't mean that I am too. Maybe you're just trying to find hurt where it isn't. I know you think you can slay all my demons but you can't."

I stayed quiet after that. A lump forming in my throat. The tears came with a sting and I wiped them away with the back of my hand.

"Maybe it's time for you to go Dean."

That snapped him out of his rage. I think seeing me cry was real enough to get him back, but it was too late.

"Maybe you can go out there and find a new guy who doesn't give a fuck that your father beats you."

He started to protest, but I simply grabbed the doorknob and turned.

I didn't look at him as he left, I just watched the time tick away on my clock. The tears blocking my vision.

When he had left, I shut the door and it was like a faucet turning on.

The tears ran down my cheeks, meeting my pillow as I cried into it.

"No one cares you're broken!" Echoed in my mind, like a mind numbing scream breaking all other thoughts.

Dean, my boyfriend, my world, my everything, and he told me no one cares. Of course no one cares. I'm a piece of shit.

The world would be better off if I was dead.

I looked down to my long sleeves and pulled them up, scratching at the skin until the blood seeped out.

Screaming, I made a dash to the bathroom. I got there before Gabe knew what was going on, and by the time he figured it out the lock was turned. My hands shook opening the bottle of prescription pills.

"Cas! Cas! No!" Gabe screamed, beating against the locked door.

"Cas!" A deeper voice joined into the cacophonous mix.

"Dean..." I choked out, my voice a broken whisper.

no one cares that you're broken

No One Cares That You're Broken

NO ONE CARES THAT YOU'RE BROKEN

"No one cares." I realize, grabbing a handful, opening my mouth and swallowing.

The last thing I remember before I blacked out was Dean breaking down the door and picking me up.

"I'm sorry Cassie. I'm so sorry."

Hey it's Gabe. Cas is out of commission right now, and he won't be writing for a bit. I know that this journal means a lot to him so I'll be keeping up on it while he's gone. So when he comes back...if he comes back, he can pick up where he left off.

After Dean kicked down the door, we rushed Cas to the nearest hospital. We would've called an ambulance but getting one for him in time on New Years Eve seemed a little impossible.

Speaking of Dean, he's been a mess. I don't know what happened between them, all I know is that he's the reason my brother tried to...

Anyway, he hasn't left the hospital room except for when I asked him to come with me outside.

"What did you say to him?" I pressed, my anger slowly rising.

"My brother is in a coma because of something you said. Now I need to know in case," I took a hard swallow, a lump forming in my throat. "in case he doesn't wake up."

It hurt to admit it, but my anger kept me from breaking down.

"I don't know." He whispered, his eyes avoiding mine and staring at the ground.

"You said something."

"We were fighting, I said a lot of things."

I grabbed his collar. "Think hard."

He wasn't fighting back, and I knew he wasn't because there's no way I could win in that fight.

"I..."

He started to cry, and I let go. His back slid down against the wall and he shoved his head into his hands.

"I told him that nobody cared that he was broken."

"What?!" I exploded.

"Why would you tell someone who constantly worries that he's a burden that no one cares that he's broken?"

I took a deep breath.

"The only reason you are not beaten senseless right now is because I know that Cas loves you and he'd never forgive me for hurting you."

Just then was when Luke got back with some subway for lunch. "Gabe, go check on him. I'll be in in a sec."

Luke looked between me and Dean. I knew he was up to something, but we had been away from Cas for a long time.

"Fine."

Then I left.

It was about half an hour before Luke came back in and Dean was with him.

The first thing Dean did was sit in the chair next to the bed and grab Cas's hand.

"What'd you two talk about?" I asked, expecting Luke to come up with some snarky dumbass comment.

"I told him a story. He's really sorry about what he said Gabe, so ease up on him. He's just as worried about Cas as you are."

Luke was so calm, it made me wonder how.

"Your brother could never wake up. How are you so level headed?"

He seemed to tense up for a moment before taking a deep breath.

"Because I know he's going to."

With that, he walked over to Dean and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I'm gonna head back home. There's something I think will help."

Before I could ask, he was out the door and down the hall.

"What story did he tell you?"

"It wasn't about anything really. He just told me to believe that Cas would come back to me, and that I should start figuring out how to apologize when he wakes up."

My smile was bittersweet. Cas wouldn't want me to get angry at Dean, he would just blame himself.

"Look, I know you didn't mean what you said. Don't get mad at yourself. I know you love him, so just keep on loving him and we won't have an issue."

We sat in silence for a while, absorbing the details of the room. The walls were plain white with a dry erase board for the nurses' use. There was a tv next to the bed.

I took out my book to finish reading while Dean laid his head on the edge of the bed and napped.

There were no disturbances until Luke returned with the record player.

"Why did you..." I began, but he interrupted me.

"I read online that sometimes stimulating memories such as a favorite smell, taste, or sound can kick start the mind."

I was impressed, I really was. Luke had done research on how to help Cas.

The record began to play softly. The curves and grooves of the music fell soon into a rhythmic synchronization with Cas's weak heartbeat.

Even in a coma, his body ran on Elvis.

Brushing his shoulders, I woke Dean up.

"Sing to him."

He looked at me with the look of someone who is still no where near awake.

"Wha..."

He garbled, his hands reaching up to wipe the sleep from his eyes.

"Sing to him. The song. It's his favorite."

"Wise men say..."

He began, his eyes beginning to tear.

"What's the point of this? He can't hear me."

I just looked at him with hope in my eyes. I don't believe in miracles, but Cassie I was ready to become a believer if it would help you.

The doctors said that if you didn't wake up within 24 hours of the...incident, the chances of you waking up were significantly lower. I didn't want to admit it, but I was desperate.

"I can't help falling in love with you."

The song went on, with Dean's voice cracking numerous times as his emotions tried to overwhelm him.

It didn't work. Cas was just as unconscious now as he was before.

"Thanks for trying anyway Luci. Maybe it'll be nice to leave it running so that the silence doesn't get overwhelming."

The constant beeps from his heart rate monitor served to increasingly drive me insane as I suffered listening to them.

But then again, the beeping meant that he was still alive.

"Dean I'm gonna go get some coffee. Do you want anything?" He just shook his head, not breaking his concentration.

When I got back, I heard his voice.

I don't know why, but instead of going in I stood there and listened.

"Look, I know I don't do this whole praying...thing, but I really need your help. Cas is hurt and he may not get better but I..." His voice trailed off and he cleared his throat.

"I can't let him die like this. Not because of me. Please...God or whoever's listening. I need one of your miracles because he deserves better than this."

When he finished his prayer, I saw him return to his original position beside Cas. I walked in and sat in my chair, returning to my book and waiting for a glimpse of life.

"Come on Cassie." I whispered, not knowing if prayers would be enough.


	8. Pudding

January 1, 2014 Day 41

Gabriel's POV:

"Is this the room for Castiel Novak?" A deep voice asked, cracking as it spoke.

"Yes, who are you?" I pressed, turning around to see the new figure in the doorframe.

"You probably know me, I'm Balthazar..." Before he could finish his word, I punched him in the face. 

With his height advantage and my overall weakness, I'm pretty sure it didn't hurt. That didn't stop me from trying again.

He didn't try to stop me, and I pulled my arm back. 

"What do you want?" I spat, hoping that my voice would be enough to carry my rage.

"No actually. I don't want to know. This is the second time I have to see my brother in a hospital hoping he'll wake up. The first was because of you and your friends. What makes you think you have the right to be here? What makes you think..." I broke off, the anger getting to me.

"Please listen. I have no right to be here. What I did to Cas..." He cut off, taking a deep breath.

"I was a scared kid. You know as well as I do how homophobic Shannon is. I was terrified someone would notice. Then Cas came along and I'd had a crush on the kid for so long. I chose to give in, to give myself a chance to be happy. Then Raphael found out and I didn't know what to do, so I lied. I never wanted to hurt Cas. I was the one who kept Raphael from killing him. I never got the chance to say I was sorry, and then I heard about this from Meg and I asked her to bring me with her. She whooped my ass first, but once she listened, she knew that my one true regret in life is what I did to Cas."

He finished his whole speech and I wiped my eyes for a moment. It wasn't until then I felt the result of how tired I was.

Meg walked in, rushing to Cas's side. "Gabe, do me a favor and listen to the asshole. If it's one thing I learned on my drive here, it's that he's awful sorry bout what he's done."

Her eyes never left Cas, holding his hand.

"I didn't mean to hurt Cas, and I just wanted to tell him I'm sorry." Dean walked in then, handing me a cup of coffee.

"Meg, you're back! Who's he?" He asked, taking a sip of the coffee in his hand.

"Dean, this is..." I caught Balthazar's eye and caught myself. "He's an old friend of Cas's."

He nodded in understanding, and moved to check Cas's blood pressure monitor. Luke had just woken up from his nap and yawned. Walking out, he just mumbled food.

"Hey, you've seen Cas, maybe it's time for you to go." I turned away from him, walking towards my brother. 

Meg suddenly stood, yelling for a nurse. "He's awake. He squeezed my hand! He's waking up!" She ran through the door, coming back moments later with a nurse.

"Cas! Castiel! Come on!" Dean called, holding his hand as Cas's eyes fluttered open.

"Dean." He choked out, his voice broken and cracked.

I have never seen a look of such relief in the eyes of such a young kid. It was only a few moments before he started sobbing.

I guess this is where my story drops off. Cas can take it from here.

Cas's POV:

When I woke up, I was sure that I was actually dead. It wasn't until I felt Dean's rough hand in mine that I realized I was not in fact dead.

After the nurses took me off the life support machines and I managed to down a pudding cup, they left me to my fate.

I expected Gabe to be angry. I didn't even know how to explain. "Gabe..." I began, trying to explain myself.

He cut me off, giving me a hug. "Cas, I thought I'd have to bury you. The doctors didn't know if you'd wake up." I could hear in his voice that he'd been crying. 

Dean was crying too. Meg just stood in the corner talking to another man. Luke was out getting food I was told.

Gabe moved from my line of sight and I recognized the guy Meg was talking to.

"Balthazar?" I spoke, quietly and confused. Then when he looked up and made eye contact, I nearly pissed myself out of fear.

"Please. Don't hurt me." Was all I could say. The last time I saw him, he was kicking me in the side.

He approached but then seemed to decide against it, dropping his head. Meg moved towards me and stroked my hair.

"He'll be leaving real soon Clarence, but don't worry. He came to say he's real sorry about what he done. You don't know how sorry. The entire drive here he wouldn't stop telling me how much he was sorry. Balthazar, come over and apologize to this boy."

It was still hilarious to see, Meg at 5'4" dragging along the 6'2" football player. I would've laughed if it had been anyone else she was dragging.

"I don't care if you're sorry. I'm not going to forgive you." I began, watching Dean in my peripheral move towards my other side. 

"Why do you need to forgive him Cas? I thought y'all were friends." Dean cracked his knuckles and I knew he knew who Balthazar was.

I grabbed his hand and intertwined our fingers. "It's okay Dean, I can handle this."

Balthazar opened his mouth but just closed it, seemingly unsure of how to start.

"I was scared. You didn't deserve any of that. After that, I couldn't hide it anymore. I was so terrified of being rejected and losing everyone I love. I came out Cas. I came out to the entirety of Shannon."

That struck me deep. In national surveys Shannon was universally the most homophobic city in the entire country. For him to have come out, I was surprised he was still alive.

"What I did, was inexcusable. When I get back to Shannon I'm gonna go to the police and tell them everything. They can't deny an eyewitness account."

His voice broke after that and he sank to the floor, crying.

Meg stroked his back. "It's true Clarence, when he found me he told me everything. Sal kicked us out of the Diner because he said he wouldn't serve his kind. I know you can't forgive him, and you shouldn't, but he's trying really hard to apologize."

There was a tenderness in her voice. She was pleading for me to listen.

Dean gave my hand a squeeze and I could tell he was waiting for the word to punch Balthazar until he passed out.

"Balthazar, I'm going to forgive you. Eventually. But it's not today. You fucked up my life to the extreme. I was just as afraid as you, but you were a coward. So go home to Shannon. When I get better I'll come visit you, and then you can prove to me you're truly sorry."

I closed my eyes then, feeling a headache coming on.

I heard Meg and Balthazar shuffle away and Dean move closer.

"I love you." He whispered, planting a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Dean I didn't..." He kissed my lips before I could finish.

"Cas, it doesn't matter. I hurt you and you almost died. It won't happen again."

I wasn't sure what he meant, but Gabe came over after that.

"Dean and I are gonna go grab a bag for you from home. Try and get some rest while we're gone."

I nodded, doing my best to look asleep. When I heard no more shuffling, I counted to 60 before sitting up.

I pressed the call nurse button and asked him if I could walk around. His name was Chuck and he seemed tired. The kind of tired that meant I could do what I wanted.

It took about 10 minutes to get set up, and then I wandered around.

It was in the cafeteria that I met Kevin. He was my age, and some sort of Asian. I asked him why he was in here and his response was, "I'm going blind."

He didn't seem that upset about it, so I pried a little further.

"What's your story?" I asked, as he peeled the lid off his pudding and licked it clean.

"I was first diagnosed with brain cancer at age 3. I've been slowly losing my eyesight ever since. I'm supposed to be here to get some revolutionary surgery to help me see. I'm not mad that I'm disabled, it'll make it a hell of a lot easier to go Ivy League. Princeton dropped its acceptance rate last year you know."

I nodded, not actually knowing. "So how much can you see?" I asked, waving my fingers in front of his face.

"I can see you're waving your hand. But I don't know what your face looks like. My vision is severely limited."

I drew back my hand, starting to feel sorry for him. "I'm so..."

"No, don't do that. Don't say you're sorry and that it's unfair. I know it's unfair. I worked my entire life to overcome this stupid disease and now it's taking my eyesight, but I'm still luckier than most. My mom is great, I'm in advanced placement, and I'm probably gonna live for at least another couple years."

It was amazing, watching him smile despite his pressing condition.

"What are you in for?" He asked me, through a mouthful of pudding.

"I umm... I tried to kill myself." I responded, feeling a stabbing feeling of shame.

"Tell me about it. I doubt anyone's really asked. What is your life and why was there no better option?"

He was right. In all my time struggling with depression and self harm, no one had asked me why. They assumed or focused on the direct reason. No one wanted to know how they could've caused it.

"It started when I was a freshman. I was forced out of the closet by some leaked emails. From then my life was hell on earth. My mom didn't want anything to do with me, the fine upstanding Christian lady she is. My town was the most homophobic city in the country, I'm not joking either they've been ranked #1. Then a guy I had a crush on and 7 of his friends played soccer with my head. After that I moved here and the guy is convinced myself was the love of my life informed me that no one cared that I was broken. I don't know what to do about him. I thought that he loved me and I loved him. I don't know if I can ever forgive him."

I dropped off there, and he held out his hand to show another pudding cup.

"I was saving it for later, but you sound like you need it."

I thanked him, tearing open the packaging and pulling out a scoop. 

"You know a lot of people care."

"Huh?" I mumbled, a little bit of pudding almost spilling out of my mouth.

"A lot of people care about you. I see it. It's in your voice. You're someone who's loved. Tell me about this boyfriend of yours."

I swallowed my spoonful and sucked on the now empty plastic utensil.

Closing my eyes, I described Dean how he was in my head.

"He's tall. Taller than me by a lot. And handsome. So handsome. When I'm not around he pretends to be a tough guy who doesn't care, but he has the biggest soft spot for his brother. He has green eyes that seem to hold in his own little universe. I love spending minutes at a time exploring that space. He's muscular and when he hugs me, it makes me feel like I'm on top of the world and that nothing can hurt me. When he sings, his voice is rough but still has it's own kind of beauty. He's the one person who knows me better than I do, and I love him."

My eyes opened, slowly, to find Kevin shaking as he tried to hold in his giggles.

I blushed a deep scarlet and cleared my throat. "Sorry, I know it sounds ridiculous."

"No. No dude, it sweet. You sound like you've really found the one. He really loves you, and I know you love him. How else could you sound so unbelievably sappy?" 

He laughed for a while, and I joined him eventually.

"I guess you're right. He's really quite something."

This was helpful, and almost therapeutic in some ways. He really knew how to make me feel better.

"Thank you. For caring."

"I've been here a while, you'd be amazed how many people I have seen. And it's also amazing how highly in tune my perception of people is when I can't actually see them."

"So on a less morbid and lovey note, tell me about you. Not your reason for trying to kill yourself or the love of your life. You."

I thought for a moment before responding. "I'm highly ordinary. I have black hair that no matter how much I beg is constantly messy. My eyes are the kind of blue that almost looks gray. I'm obsessed with The Lord of the Rings franchise and am going to one day read the books to get the full effect. My hobbies include trying not to hate myself, listening to old music, and watching as many movies as I can."

Kevin just nodded along, before telling me about himself. "I'm a happy go lucky disabled teenager whose hobbies include listening to horrible garbage pop music, studying until my brain either drips out my ears or explodes, and listening to people's life stories. Oh and I'm going to be the valedictorian of Princeton University one day. With or without my eyesight."

Sitting there with him was the most amazing feeling. We were both broken, but in that moment, we were just two teenagers hanging out. He wasn't going blind, and it wasn't recovering from a suicide attempt. He was Kevin, and I was Cas.

"Do you ever wish things were different?" I questioned after a brief silence.

He stirred in his seat and seemed to ponder my question.

"No. I don't. Way I figure it, I have one life. This life is a series of reactions to events. If I change any one thing about my past, everything could be different. I mean, you and I would've never met. Life isn't something people should try and change. Life happens and then you die, so you gotta thrive on the here and now. Otherwise, you'll always be looking back at who you were, and you'll never see who you want to be. Life isn't made for being afraid and hiding, you gotta live your life in the sun."

He was strangely wise for a seventeen year old on the verge of blindness.

It was after our little chat about life that the nurse came to get me. Her name was Tessa and she'd replaced Chuck.

"Hey Castiel, hey Kev. We have to get you back to your room now. The doctor wants you to rest as much as possible."

"See ya around Cas. I mean if this surgery does what it's supposed to. I should be able to see you literally when we next meet."

I smiled and took Tessa's arm. "He's nice, that boy. Kevin has been here several times since he was little. In my three years, he's been here 7 times. It's a shame how such a bad thing can happen at such a young age. We're all pulling for his surgery to be a success."

She was a pretty lady in her late 20's I'd guess. When we got back to the room, she tucked me back into my whole set up. As she left, Dean and Gabe arrived with my bag from home.

Shortly after that, a doctor came in and asked to have a meeting with Gabe. He just shrugged and followed the woman. She seemed pretty adamant about it being private however since she specifically stated Dean was not allowed to come.

It was the first time wed been alone since he'd said what he had.

"Look Cas..." He began, but I just put my hand up to stop him. 

"You are going to listen to me and if you interrupt I will tell the nurses you're not allowed in my room anymore. Got it?"

He just nodded in reply, a sad smirk seeming to replace his frown. 

"What you said was in the heat of the moment and I understand that now. My life has just been piling up for years and hearing that from you was just the last straw. This is not your fault anymore than it is anyone else's. I love you. And from what a very wise blind boy told me, you may very well be the love of my life. So either you accept that this happened and realize that you can't keep living like this, or you go on letting your dad abuse you and we are done. You've put up with his shit for too long. And I know how much Sammy means to you, but who's gonna protect him when you leave?"

He grabbed my hand and looked down, avoiding my gaze.

"Cas, he is all Sammy has ever known. Sammy doesn't know that he treats me like this. He can't. I want Sammy to have this picket fence life, where he marries Jess and becomes the lawyer he's always wanted to be. If I leave, he'll just start hitting Sam. I don't know what else to do."

"Get out. Were full already with me Luke and Gabe, but you could live with Meg until you can afford an apartment. Or talk to Bobby. Dean I promise you, Sammy will have a great life. Not because his dad was great, but because you loved him. I've been there Dean. Now look where I am."

I knew he would cry the moment I said that, but he needed to hear it.

Somewhat to myself and somewhat to him, I said, "Life isn't made for being afraid and hiding, you gotta live your life in the sun."


	9. Castiel Novak's Day Off

January 15, 2014 Day 54

"You excited to go home Castiel?" Chuck asked me, for once sincere in his curiosity. He looked like he had finally gotten that good night's sleep he was always missing.

I have to stop reliving my life moment by moment just for a second to say I was very excited to go home. Not to be ungrateful but I couldn't stand being in there for one more second. 

Kevin was down from his surgery so I had nothing to do. Dean and Meg tried to visit a lot, but they had classes. I hate to say it but I would've preferred to be in school.

I was ecstatic to leave. I knew I would be okay going home. My doctor had met with me and explained that I had bipolar disorder and not depression although my depression had been a sign of it. 

For your information, Diary, bipolar disorder means that I'm either really happy or really sad and there's no in between. It's much more complicated than that but I don't know how to explain it well.

My new medication has swept away all those little thoughts that would eat away at me. I haven't felt this good since I was a child before I knew how much my life would suck. 

Anyway I've been putting off Chuck long enough, back to my graceful exit. 

I glanced at the wall clock and saw I still had forty more minutes until Gabe took his break to pick me up. 

"You never cease to attract visitors do you?" He laughed, causing me to look back to see what he was talking about. In the doorway stood my mother.

"Castiel." She spoke quietly. Her eyes were puffy and glossed over as if she had been crying.

"Naomi." I responded, trying my best to sound cold. 

She moved towards me, but I held out my hand to stop her.

"Chuck, can you give me a minute?" He just shrugged, walking out the door. 

"You have 60 seconds before I press this button and have you escorted out." I spat at her, grabbing the call nurse clicker.

"I'm your mother. I have every right to be here with my son." I scoffed at her, my laugh catching in my throat.

"We've had this discussion before. You may have given birth to me, but you stopped being my mother a long time ago."

She got angry then, a glare in her eyes that seemed almost animalistic.

"You've taken everything from me. Your father, Gabriel, Luke. They all left me because of you. How much longer do I have to suffer because of your selfishness?" She screamed at me, but in a hushed tone that I had been all to familiar with.

"They didn't leave you because of me. They left you because of you. You're a cruel, intolerant, and selfish woman. You cared more about public appearances than the health and safety of your children. Dad was the lucky one, getting out when he did."

She looked as if I had slapped her and I almost felt bad.

"Did you come here to tell me all about how I'm ruining your life because if that's it then go."

She wiped a tear away from her eye, desperately grasping for sanity.

"Was I truly so horrible?" She questioned, a sincere curiosity lying underneath her anger and sadness.

"You can't even imagine." I responded, pressing my finger down on the call button.

A few moments of awkward silence later, Chuck arrived to escort her out. She tried to resist, but I turned my back on her. 12 footsteps later and she was gone.

"Don't tell Gabe about that please." I pleaded, trying to stay calm.

Chuck started a question but abandoned it after seeing my face. 

"Sure thing kid." He responded, placing a hand on my shoulder. It was the first time he'd really acknowledged me as an actual person and not just a patient.

It only took another 10 minutes to pack up my stuff. I asked to visit Kevin before I left, but I was told that he still wasn't awake from his surgery. 

Gabe came to pick me up and I was off to home sweet home. Luke had come along because he didn't have work. 

"Never do this again Cassie." Luke put me in a headlock, messing up my hair.

"I'll try my best Luke." I insisted, feeling his grip slack.

"Don't tell anyone this, but I care about you a lot." He whispered, releasing me.

I looked at him and smiled. "Dweeb."

It was a longer drive than normal because of an accident on the highway. We took the scenic route and Luke allowed me to pick the music. 

There's nothing like a car ride with family with best of rock playing in the background. We arrived home around quarter to 4. Just in time for Dean and Meg to be sitting on our couch.

Gabe just rolled his eyes and left for his afternoon shift at work. He'd taken an extended lunch to come pick me up.

"Hey Clarence, school was a drag so Dean-o and I popped in Ferris Bueller style." She laughed, grabbing my duffel bag and tossing it into my room.

I frowned at her, she couldn't afford to miss any school if she wanted to catch up.

"Oh don't look so sour angel boy, we went. Granted that I almost stabbed myself with a plastic fork to get out of calculus."

It was a relief to laugh. For these past two weeks my world was just a little too solemn. I walked over to Dean and planted a quick kiss on his lips. 

In the distance Luke groaned which made Dean grab my hips and pull me onto his lap.

"Come on! I already let you gay up the couch when I'm at work."

I smiled, sticking my tongue out at Luke. "Should we go gay up your bedroom instead then?" He stuck his tongue out back at me, grumbling as he shuffled away. 

Dean laughed at us and shifted into a sitting position.

"So Meg, what movie should we watch?" I asked, knowing her answer already.

"Ferris Bueller's day off." We both said at the same time, her voice excited and mine mocking.

"It's a cinematic masterpiece." She insisted, grabbing the DVD off the shelf and putting it in.

"Oh you just like Matthew Broderick when he's young."

"I've heard of it, but never seen it." Dean said, interrupting Meg's laughing denial.

She put on a face of such horror you would've thought she had just seen someone brutally murder a puppy.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF?!?!?!" She screamed dramatically.

She sat next to him, putting her legs in his lap to lock him in place. "It's only the best movie ever. Well maybe not, but to me it is."

Dean looked at Meg, reminding me of the face an animal makes when it's put in a cage.  
“Don't feel too bad babe, she is just really passionate about this movie.” Kissing his forehead, I handed him the bowl of popcorn.

He just gave rolled his eyes and sighed. “I guess it can't hurt to watch it.”

I had to go to the bathroom, so after my business was done I asked Luke if he wanted to join us.

“I like that movie so I guess.” He responded in his distanced and detached Luke way but I could tell he was happy I asked him.

I returned to the couch to find Meg and Dean surrounded by popcorn. I groaned and looked at them, trying my best to look angry. I failed.

I cracked up when Dean shook his head and a mountain of popcorn fell off. “Do I want to know what happened?”

“She started it.” Dean yelled, childishly pointing at Meg.

Meg in turn said “Nuh uh. He did it.”

Luke and I made eye contact and then we laughed. “Meg you haven’t changed much since I last saw you.”

She was fucking blushing I shit you not. This is the girl who has taken down football players to defend my honor, and she was blushing because my stupid brother had entered the room.

I haven’t mentioned this yet diary, or journal, or you know what. I’m gonna call you Michael. So its almost like I’m telling Mike about all he’s missed.

Anyway, Meg has had a huge crush on Luke since before cavemen existed. It was one of the reasons we first became friends, although its grown to be a lot more than that. 

It is understandable. I acknowledge that my brother is attractive, but the thought of Meg being in love with him is like gross.

I mean Luke's not a bad guy, and I would love for Meg and I to be related but there's just something wrong about older siblings dating your friends.

Luke walked over and sat in Gabe's lazy boy and grabbed a handful of popcorn off of the couch arm.

"We watching a movie or what?" He asked, looking at me.

I nodded and grabbed the remote from Dean, pressing play. There were no seats left on the couch so I sat on the floor between Dean's legs. 

Just to keep him on his toes, every few minutes or so I'd tickle his feet. Man is that boy ticklish.

We got to the baseball game when the phone rang. I got up to answer it and was met with Gabe's voice.

"Hey Cassie, sorry I had to leave without welcoming you home. Looks like I'll be home late tonight, so tell Luke he's in charge and to make sure he feeds you."

"Are you sure you want to leave Lucifer in charge?" I questioned, skeptically. Luke was not a person I would allow near flames.

"He's the oldest so I guess it's okay." He stopped for a moment before whispering, "just don't let him set the apartment on fire."

Laughing, I said goodbye and returned to the couch.

"Luci, Gabriella says you have to feed us chillins." I cooed, putting on my best puppy face.

"No way. I don't have any money for takeout and I can't cook for shit." He responded, not even looking away from the movie.

Meg giggled, agreeing by nodding her head. "Why don't y'all come over to mine? I got plenty of groceries the day I came back, I'll make pasta."

It really is true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach because Luke looked like a house-trained puppy.

We stayed to finish the movie and Luke asked to take a quick shower.

Dean was the first to mention Meg's gooey eyes.

"So how does Cloud 9 feel? A bit lumpy in my experience."

She blushed hitting him on the arm. "Shut it boyo. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh please, you look at that boy like you haven't eaten in weeks and he's a prime cut of juicy steak."

She went to hit him again, but I pulled Dean into the safety of my arms.

"Woah. Down girl, we like this one. He's hot."

"I don't have a crush on Luke I mean sure he's handsome but he's too old for me. Has been since we were 14."

Dean laughed, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I think he might like you too. At least to some degree. I mean I don't know him that well but he regards you the same way he regards Cas."

Looking at him, she seemed confused. "I've liked him since I was 14, I think if he liked me back I would know."

I shook my head, looking straight into her eyes.

"As disgusting as this is for me to say, and it is gross, I think Luke likes you too." I made a faux vomiting sound followed by a playful punch in the side from Megara.

"So why don't you and Dean go start dinner at your place and I'll do a little snooping around to see if there is a spark." 

As gross as I found it, she and Luke would be a really great couple. After some arguing and threats, Meg agreed but only on the condition that I'd tell her everything.

When we heard the shower water stop running, I pushed Dean and Meg out the door. It was time for some brotherly bonding time. 

Now I should start by saying Luke is no angel, he's had hookups before but never a relationship. He never seemed to show an interest in anybody emotionally. I suppose Naomi scarred him for life.

I waited in the kitchen for Luke to come out, not wanting to have a heart to heart with my brother whilst he was in a towel.

"Where'd Meg and Dean go?"

"They went to start dinner. So I've got a question for you."

"Shoot, short stop."

"What is your exact interest in Meg?"

When I saw his face, I knew the answer. He only went into denial for things he actually cared about.

"She's your best friend, so I tolerate her. Why do you ask?" I knew he wanted to ask if she had asked about him, but he didn't.

"It's just that she's had a crush on you for about 4 years now and I'd like her to either make her dream come true or move on."

He smiled before remembering how he was presenting himself. I guided him to the couch and waited for him to sit opposite me.

"Look, I know you like Meg. I just want to make sure that before I give you my blessing that it's not another one of your flings."

He sighed, giving into my superior position.

"4 years? Really? She's always just been a little girl, your friend, but now that she's all grown up...she's just amazing."

I frowned at him. "If you mean she's beautiful now, then there is no way I'm letting you date her."

"No, it's more than that. It's something in her eyes. Like a fire burning behind them. She's funny and has great taste in movies, and yeah she's beautiful but she's so much more." 

He coughed, as if remembering his normal attitude. "Besides I don't think it's your decision as to who she dates."

"So are you interested in her? Like relationship wise? Because Meg's last boyfriend hurt her really bad and I don't think she's ready to get hurt again."

"Neither am I."

I regarded him with confusion, cocking my head to the side.

"But you've never had a girlfriend."

"Not that you know about."

Waiting for him to explain didn't take long.

"Look, I dated this girl named Lily. I fell in love, she stepped on my still-beating heart, and I still feel that."

I laughed which was probably the wrong emotion to have.

"Don't laugh, asshole."

"It's just...all this time I was thinking you were just being a jackass when really you were brokenhearted."

"It's not funny." He insisted, putting me into a headlock.

"Go for it Luke. It'll be good for both of you."

I offered, putting out my blessing. It was like cough syrup saying it, but I had to admit they'd help each other.

The way he described his feelings for Meg is how I felt about Dean. Who knows? Maybe she can make Luke shed his emotional barrier like I did for Dean.

After we finished our little pow wow, we headed down two floors to Meg's apartment.

I'd actually not been in her apartment yet, so it was quite an interesting experience. Of all the things I could list that Meg is good at, interior decorating is not one.

It was Meg though, from the western artwork to the beanbag chairs. The only room that didn't scream Meg was the kitchen because she had yet to add her little touch.

"Hey boys. Grub'll be done as soon as the noodles finish boiling. I made spaghetti."

The smell of garlic bread filled the apartment, distracting me from my decorative critique.

"It smells delicious Megara." I complimented.

"Of course it does Clarence, I'm making it."  
Meg was a great cook, she had learned it from her daddy before he'd died. I don't know if I've ever mentioned Meg's dad. 

He was a pilot in the Air Force. When Meg was 15, he went overseas and never came back. That's why Meg is so anti military. They took her papa.

She was a daddy's girl too. Her loser brother never really clicked with him, but Meg loved him like he put the sun, moon, and stars in the sky just for her.

I always wished that my parents could've been more like Meg's. I mean her mom let her move here for Christ's sake.

It only took another 5 minutes for dinner to be done, and then we sat at the table family style.

"It's really good Meg." Dean commented, shoving half the plate into his mouth in one bite.

Manners would be the next lesson I taught Dean. Luke, however, ate a little at a time.

"Yeah, it's amazing." I added, placing some of the pasta and sauce on a piece of bread.

"I haven't gotten to cook in a while, so I'm glad you like it. What about you Luke?"

"Yeah, it's good. First home cooked meal I've had in a while." He smiled at her and the awkwardness in the room increased like 10 fold.

I kicked Dean's shin under the table and gave him a lets go look. "Well Dean and I are done so were gonna go do gay things. Have fun you kids."

I grabbed his hand and walked toward the door. "What was that about Cas? I was still hungry."

"It's up to them what happens now. As for us, the apartments gonna be empty for a bit. Let's go have some fun."

That shut him up real quick. We headed back to the apartment and went to my bedroom, closing the door behind us. Sorry to disappoint, but I don't kiss and tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want smut in the next chapter, let me know with a comment. If I get 5 requests, I will write you guys smut.


	10. Birthday Boy

January 24, 2014 Day 63

Sorry I've been keeping you waiting. It was Dean's birthday today. He's still living with his dad but he swore everything's better so I believed him.

Sammy had told me about his birthday when I finally went back to school on Monday. I didn't know what to get him at first, but then I had a great idea. I just hope he likes it.

Luckily, we had no school today because of a teacher convention or something, which gave me plenty of time to walk to his house. I had to be at his house by noon if I wanted to have everything run smoothly.

Knocking on the door was one of the most terrifying moments of my life because it was their father that answered.

"Yeah?" The man asked, towering over me in size. I just swallowed hard and went through my very planned introduction.

"Hello sir. I'm Cas Novak, I don't know if Dean's told you about me, but..." He cut me off, closing the door.

"Excuse me sir!" I choked out, knocking again on the door. This man may have been big and scary but he would not get in the way of my birthday plan for Dean.

"What kid?! Dean's sleeping. Go away." He tried to close the door again, but I stopped him with my foot.

"Sir! It's his birthday and I would like to serve him breakfast in bed. I have everything ready so if you please." I looked at him expectantly, holding up my covered tray of food.

I do believe that the only reason I even got into his house was because he checked his watch and realized he would be late for work if he waited any longer to get ready.

"Upstairs. Second on the right." He growled, clearly not happy that I got my way.

It made me wonder if he knew who I was. Or just how much I loved his son.

Finding my way to his bedroom was easy, it was the setting up without him waking that was the problem. He's normally a heavy sleeper, but this time he seemed to already be somewhat awake so I had to be very careful.

I place the tray down and got the rest of the supplies from my backpack. There was a plastic glass which I filled with apple juice. (He's weird and doesn't like orange juice. I also pulled out some plastic flowers and a small vase. When it looked suitably cliche, I made my way over to him.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday Dean! Happy Birthday to you!" I sang, watching him as he slowly opened his eyes and smiled.

"Hey baby." He mumbled, a sleepy tone in his voice. With a yawn and a stretch, he sat up and realized what I had in my hands.

"Is this all for me?" He questioned, looking at the pancakes, bacon, and juice.

"Yeah. It's my turn to spoil you today." His smile turned to annoyance, but it was still happy.

"Sam told didn't he?" My lack of an answer was enough answer for him.

"I'm gonna kill that stupid kid!" He yelled, a big smile on his face now.

"You called?" Sam mocked, poking his head in the room. Walking in, he put some toast down next to the pancakes.

"Don't you say I don't do my part." He came over and mussed up Dean's hair before backing out.

I got up, leaving Dean with the tray and going over to Sam.

"Remember Sam, seven o’clock. Oh and when you get there tell Meg that the birthday boy and I will be a little late.”

He nodded in understanding, and I rejoined Dean. He had about 3 pancakes in his mouth and was smiling away.

After he finished that, he leaned over and kissed me. “Thank you angel. This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”

I just laughed, as he looked at me with confusion. “This is only the beginning of your present.” With that, he started to question, but I just put a piece of pancake in his mouth.

“You’ll know soon enough.” After he finished that piece, he began to protest.

“Cas, you shouldn’t worry. This is more than enough. You shouldn’t have spent money on me.”

This elicited only another laugh. “Don’t worry, I didn’t spend any money on your gift.”

When he seemed to want to protest further for more answers, I kissed him to keep him from asking.

That seemed to distract him enough as he melted into my grip. Now if it weren’t for Dean’s iron will to not spill syrup and juice on his bed, I don’t think we would’ve broken apart.

When we broke apart, he thanked me again for breakfast. It was another 20 minutes until he was done.

“Okay, now put on something nice. We have a full day planned.” He grinned and rolled his eyes.

“I don’t suppose the birthday boy gets a special shower does he?” His devilish grin was accompanied by a kiss. I pulled away, chastising him.

“Go get ready.” I gave him a small peck on the cheek and left him to get ready. When I ehard the shower start, I placed a note on his bed.

Dean,  
When you are clean and presentable, meet me in front of Heaven. Tell them your little angel is waiting for you.

Love,  
Castiel

Then it was to get back home and change before Meg drove me to the movie theater. This whole scheme was her brainchild. Well except for the one part, but that’s not until later.

He met me outside the theater and I held up two tickets to the 1:30 showing of I, Frankenstein. He’d said he’d wanted to see it the last time we came to the movies, so I figured he’d love it.

“Babe, why’d you make me get all dressed up for an action movie.”

I just tsked and took his hand.

“You’ll find out after the movie.”

It wasn’t a great movie, but it was entertaining. He seemed to enjoy it, so I was happy. Next was to pretend I had to go to the bathroom and have the manager tell him to meet me at the restaurant 3 blocks over, Palace.

I checked my watch and saw it was now close to 3:30, which put me right on time for our dinner plans.

The restaurant was the perfect location to ensure that everything worked out perfectly. At seven, Meg and I planned a surprise party for Dean in Meg’s apartment. I was the distraction.

Adam met me in the front of the restaurant and led me the special room they reserved for anniversaries and birthdays and stuff. 

“Thanks again for doing this Adam.”

“It’s my pleasure Cas, plus the manager owes me one after I covered a 19 hour shift last weekend. Just make sure he has a great birthday.”

With that, he wished me luck and made his way back to his host position. I waited for a few minutes until my handsome boyfriend strode through the door. The outfit I picked out suited him nicely.

He wore tan khakis and a deep green button down. His hair was still wet and refused to lay flat in an adorable messy style.

“This is the fanciest place I’ve ever been. And there are no prices on the menu.” he worried, as I pulled out his chair. 

“Don’t worry love, today is your day.”

A girl a little older than us walked in then, asking us for our drink orders. I saw a look in her eye I saw every time Dean walked outside. She seemed to take a personal interest in Dean’s order. 

“What would you guys like to drink? We’ll start with you.” She turned toward Dean, completely oblivious as to my existence.

“Well I don't know about my boyfriend, but I would very much like to have a glass of iced tea.”

Dean gave me a look and ordered the same. She walked away with a sour look and said she’d come back in a minute with our drinks.

“What was that Cas!” Dean demanded, looking at me with less anger more disappointment.

“I’m sorry, its just I wanted everything to be perfect and she was flirting and I just want you all to myself today.”

He sighed, grabbing my hand. “It doesn’t matter if our waitress hits on me, you are the only one I want.”

I nodded, calming down just a bit. This was supposed to be his special day and I was letting my jealousy get the best of me.

When she returned, I apologized for snapping at her. She seemed to understand, but still looked bitter. 

She asked for our orders, starting with Dean who expectedly got the New York Strip Steak with mashed potatoes. Did I know my man or what?

I got chicken francaise and she took our menus.

“So I have one last part to your present, but you’ll have to wait until after our lovely meal to find out what that is.”

It was fun to watch the curiosity wriggle inside his eyes. He hated not knowing. But that was all part of the fun and games. 

After 20 minutes or so of small talk, our food arrived. I had to give him some credit; I’d never seen Dean eat so fast. I was quite nervous about the next part of my plan, so I ate pretty quickly too.

When it was finally time, I stood and crossed the table to sit in his lap. 

“Are you ready for one last surprise?” I asked, placing my lips against his neck.

“I promise, it’ll be the best you’ve ever had.” My voice was a whisper in his ear, but then I was up and gone. Not before slipping a motel key on the table.

I checked my watch, seeing that there was still 2 hours until we had to get him to the party. It was more than enough time for the magical night I had planned.

The elevator took me up to the fifth floor. Soon I found room 507 and made my way inside. I had asked Meg to do this part of setting up a romantic environment, and I must say she succeeded.

There were rose petals leading to the bed, and candles lighting the room. The windows were covered, leaving the only light to be from the vanilla scented candles.

This was going to be the moment when Dean and I became one. I had been worried about this evening my entire life and I couldn’t imagine a more perfect place.

I got on the bed and waited for Dean to open the door. It seemed like an agonizing eternity but I knew it was only about a minute or so.

He followed the rose petal trail and met my eyes.

“Cas, are you sure about this?” He asked, approaching me with a hunger in his eyes I loved.

Without a moment’s thought, I nodded, motioning for him to get closer. Our mouths met with a lust I’d never experienced before. My fingers fumbled to undo his shirt buttons and I cursed myself mentally for not picking out a t-shirt.

After a few awkward moments, we broke apart and both agreed to undress each other.

It was much easier to undo his shirt when I could see the buttons. I worked my way down the row, appreciating every new discovery that came with each undone clasp.

My shirt was easier to take off, considering I was wearing a dress tee. I raised my arms and allowed him to pull it over my head.

I placed my hand on his chest, and let it drop, placing it on his waist then his hips. I touched the button on his khakis, undoing them with careful precision.

When that was done, he worked them off his legs, leaving him in nothing but his underwear and a necklace he had around his neck.

At this point, he seemed more than willing to rip the pants off of me, but I was rather fond of this pair of slacks. 

He got me out of my pants and I pushed him down on the bed, shifting myself so I was kneeling between his legs. When he sat up, I made a face at him, trying my best to be sexy.

All that stood between my goal and me was a thin pair of briefs. My fingers flitted around his waistband, tugging slowly at them. 

Finally they were gone and all that was there in its place was Dean, hard and waiting.

I played with him, licking the tip before taking his dick in my mouth. He let out a sweet moan and I continued, bobbing back and forth. I felt a strong hand grip the back of my hair and felt his desire.

He was a medium thickness but he had considerable length, taking him all in would be impossible so I began licking me way back up the shaft. I played with his balls with my left hand and with my right, gave my mouth some relief.

“Do you like that Dean?” I asked, moving sporadically faster and slower as he moaned.

“You’re good at that.” He choked out, his voice breathless. “aghh. Fuuuucccckkk. Cas.”

He groaned as I took him in again, sucking on his sweet dick and playing with his balls. When he seemed ready to blow, he took a grip on my black hair and led me with his hand. He was rough and hungry, but I liked him that way.

Within a minute or so he pulled his cock out, a load of his cum exploding on my face.

I took a finger and wiped it off my cheek, licking it clean. He tasted sweet like a lollipop. I guess now I understand that phrase.

“Cas. Fuck. That was good.” I moved onto the bed with him, so we were both lying on our sides. 

“That wasn’t even the fun part. Just let me know when you’re ready for round two.” He just looked at me and frowned. 

“You’ve made me happy, now I have to return the favor.”

He pulled off my boxers, exposing my hard dick.

“You’re nice and hard aren’t you.” He mused, pressing his finger to the tip.

I gasped as he wrapped a hand around me. He moved slowly to start with, gaining speed. I leaned back, feeling his touch nearly enough already. 

“Dean..” I started, “it’s supposed to be your…present.” I tried to protest, but he just ignored me.

His lips met my tip and then he took me in. I must say, all the research I had done on how to give a blowjob never prepared me for how blissful receiving one was. 

It was like heaven when he started playing with my balls. Pleasure coursed through me and I couldn’t help but moan. I had dreamed and waited and here it was happening.

Too soon I felt the pressure reach a height. “Dean, I’m gonna…”

I came before I could finish my sentence, and Dean swallowed my load.

“That was amazing Dean.” I thanked him, placing a kiss on his lips as he came back up to where I was.

“Is round 2 an option now?” he asked, his mischievous eyes lighting up. 

“Yes, you can have your present now.” He almost jumped as I reached into the drawer and took out a condom. 

He was hard again in a moment, excitement running through him. He put it on and I placed my legs on his shoulders.

“One last time, are you sure about this?” He asked, eagerness and desire coating his voice.

“I want you to be my first Dean. Please.” I added the please and he was poised.

Masturbation had not prepared me for the pain and pleasure that was gay sex. It hurt yet at the same time it was a good pain. He was gentle, slow in his rhythm and easy in his thrusts.

We both moaned as he moved, giving us both pleasure. 

“God you're tight Cas." He breathed out, as he delivered another thrust. I felt something like a push inside and suddenly the world ceased to exist.

I could barely hear him, my body overflowing with pleasure. I guess he'd found my g-spot.

I don't remember much of what was said next, all it remember is feeling him throbbing inside me. Then his strong hands gripped my hips, thrusting faster and deeper.

"Cas...I'm...so...close." He whined, a blissful look on his face as he came. I followed soon after and we collapsed next to each other on the bed.

He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me close, giving me a deep and loving kiss.

"I love you." He whispered into me, forcing a huge smile out of me.

"I love you too baby." We spent another 5 minutes or so making out before cuddling for a bit.

You'd never think this from just looking at him, but he was snugly after sex. Granted I was still in my pleasure high, the pain started to set in.

I don't care who you're talking to, gay sex hurts. Who am I to complain though? It was really fun. After we both got in the shower and cleaned off, we got dressed.

"Shit." I exclaimed at 7:00, playing my part in getting Dean to the party.

"What's wrong babe?" He asked, finishing buttoning his shirt.

"I was supposed to turn off a pot roast in Meg's apartment at 7. She had to meet a friend for a group project. Can you take me there?" I asked. My innocent concern giving nothing away.

Maybe if I stopped having extreme stage fright, I'd be a great actor. 

"Sure thing sweetie, I'm sure it'll be fine. Don't worry." I almost felt bad, looking at the worry on his face. He finished getting dressed and we rode over to Meg's apartment. 

I was sneaky about it too. I turned on the water works in the car, but that's how I would react if I had really done something like that.

We made it back in 10 minutes and at 7:15, I texted Meg that the eagle had landed. 

I made up extra time by pretending I couldn't find my spare key. At 7:20, we entered the apartment and turned the lights on.

"Surprise!" Rang through the apartment as our best friends popped up to wish him a happy birthday.

He looked genuinely surprised and happy. His smile was huge and he almost fell backwards in surprise.

He rushed at the crowd, pulling everyone in for a hug. Then he started thanking everyone individually. Starting with Sam then Meg. There were about 20 people in total.

"I really wasn't expecting this." He said, tears coming to his eyes.

"Happy Birthday baby." I decreed, kissing his cheek.

Adam hooked his iPod up to the speakers and started playing some new alternative rock or something.

After about an hour or so of socializing and laughing, I sat him down in the den and had everyone place their presents in front of him.

He got an AC/DC signed album, a t-shirt that said sarcasm loading, 3 gift cards to various places, a fancy bottle of cologne, and about $300 in cash.

Sammy got him a coupon for a free premium wash for the impala. Meg got him a shirt that said too gay to function.

"What'd you get from Cas?" Someone asked, I think it was Pamela.

"He got me the best present ever." He kissed me sweetly. "He's here with me."

The rest of the time consisted of cards against humanity, never have I ever, and truth or dare. Although things really started picking up when we started gossiping.

Luke and Meg beat everyone at cards against humanity. It was weird seeing them as a couple, but since their first day last week they've been inseparable.

Everyone was having a great time, but most importantly, Dean looked so happy. If there is any present I could've given him, this happiness is the best.


	11. Valentine's Day

February 14, 2014 Day 84

Sorry I've been so sporadic with my journal entries. My therapist says I've been doing much better.

Good news on the war front. Mike is coming home for 2 weeks. We're picking him up from the airport later tonight.

I told Dean that I didn't want to celebrate Valentine's day but I have a sneaking suspicion that he completely ignored me. 

On the embarrassing front, Dean and I were voted cutest couple for the yearbook. I can't tell if it's a cruel joke or what but nonetheless there's a picture of me and Dean kissing in the yearbook.

School is still stupid, and I can't wait for graduation. I never did tell you which schools I applied to. My first choice is Kansas State University, with my second choice being the University of Kansas.

Don't confuse the two, they're very different.

Dean is going to take some trade school classes and then become a mechanic. He doesn't know how much it worries me that I might be living on campus while he's here in Lawrence.

Its been a really interesting past two weeks. Dean and I had sex and suddenly my world changed. They say that losing your virginity is the most important moment of your young life. To me, it was.

I think you're all caught up on what's important.

I woke up to Luke playing some loud alternative music. Probably Panic! at the Disco if I had a guess.

Oh one last update, Meg and Luke are now officially (and disturbingly) a thing. I mean there's only about a little over a year age difference but I'm still adjusting.

Anyway, after I woke up, I took a hot shower. I was incredibly tired. It was just one of those days where no matter how much you sleep, you're still exhausted.

Dean sent me a text saying he was running late and that I should hitch a ride to school with Meg. I groaned but got up. It was stupid, but it felt like wearing something red for Valentine's day.

I grabbed a long sleeved red sweater and put on my trench coat. I have been trying to wear it more since Dean really liked when I wore his present.

Sure enough when I got to Meg's apartment, she was still sleeping. Luckily she gave me a spare key. Now getting into her room alive was another adventure.

Meg is not what you would call a tidy person. Granted she does keep her room clean, no food or anything, she is the messiest person I know. Which I saying something cause I know Luci.

I guess she and Lucifer really are meant for each other. So after nearly tripping to my death over a pile of assuredly clean clothes, I found myself in front of a sleeping beast.

She may seem like a vicious person when she's angry, but most people don't have the misfortune of having to wake her up. 

Shuffling her did no good since this girl can and had slept through thunderstorms. Telling her name seemed to get her to at least fidget a bit in her sleep. Finally I gave up,

Pulling out my phone, I dialed Luci. Now to your average person it would seem weird when I give and receive calls from satan, but for me it's just another day. 

"What do you want dweeb? I'm busying jamming." He grunted in a dismissive annoyance. 

"Look I need to get to school but she won't wake up. Do something."

"I'll be there in like a minute. She'll be less irritated if I wake her. Or at least she'll soften the punches."

I hung up and decided to raid her fridge for some breakfast. There wasn't much but I did find a eggo waffle. Luke knocked just as it popped up. 

Marching, he made his way through her room with almost acrobatic skill. It was amazing to watch him avoid his most certain doom through means of clean laundry. 

At first I thought he was going to kiss her good morning, but then I saw him cup his hands.

"GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!" He screamed, causing her to jump. 

"What in the sam heck do you think you're doing boy!?!" She demanded, a rage blush started to form. 

"You're gonna be late for school sweetie." He spoke casually, pretending to not notice her vice like grip on his arm. 

"Oh shit. I can't have any more lates this semester or they'll send me to the hag."

She hurriedly mumbled her thanks and kissed him on the forehead before kicking him out. "Cas, which shirt should I wear?" She questioned, showing me both a green knit sweater and a grey cardigan. 

"Do you have a red cami?" I asked, heading over to her drawers.

"Yeah I think so." After some shuffling she produced a dark red cami. 

"Cardigan over cami." I spoke, proud of my selection. I always had a great sense of style but was never allowed to show it.

She finished dressing and gave her reflection a nod of approval.

"Okay Clarence, let's go to prison. Atleast the teachers might have candy today."

The ride there was mostly a one sided conversation on Meg's side. Which I do need to apologize to her for. I just was excited about seeing Michael. 

When we got there, I hurried to my first period. When I got there, of course, everyone had some sort of candy or flower.

What really surprised me was the white box on my desk. From it's shape, I knew it was a rose. 

"Adam, is this from Dean?" I asked, trying to sound at least somewhat annoyed. Fake annoyance couldn't get the smile off my face though.

"I was told to simply give you these instructions." He spoke cryptically as he slipped me a piece of paper with a list of instructions.

In every class, you'll find 1 rose,  
In lunch you'll find 4.   
I'm really bad at poetry,  
But I love you more.

Under the poem was a scribbled apology for his bad poem and a room number. Apparently after school I was to start my search for my boyfriend there.

It was absolutely impossible to pay attention to class with a red rose in my hand. I'd never even had a valentine before. 

Something that should've made me happy made me feel anxious. As my rose bouquet grew it felt like the entire world had it's eyes on me. 

It was a really sweet gesture from Dean, but I hated the stares I got. I don't like being stared at. I don't like attention.

I know it was mostly in my head, but I still felt trapped by their looks. Of course, there were other couples with flowers and after seeing at least a dozen more bouquets I calmed down a bit. 

Lunch was disappointing as Dean was not there. That's when I knew something was up. I sat at our table with 8 roses, waiting for my Prince Charming but he never came. 

"Adam, where's Dean? It's not much of a Valentine's day if I can't find my valentine." He just shrugged his shoulders. He knew something and wasn't telling me, but I knew that he'd never tell me if Dean asked him to keep it secret.

"You know the boys in these schools are animals. I've gotten 3 roses from the student council sale thing all from different anonymous boys. Do I need to wear a sign around my neck that says taken?" Meg sat down, angrily munching on her chicken nuggets.

I was trying my best to not laugh, but I couldn't help it. Soon after Adam joined in. 

"I don't know where the third came from but the two with the terrible pick up lines are from me and Dean." She blushed and hit my arm. 

"Castiel James Novak, one of these days I'm gonna get around to killing you and that boyfriend of yours." She continued to mumble plans for revenge to herself for a good five minutes. 

"Have you seen my said boyfriend?" I asked when she seemed to have stopped plotting my death. 

"Nope. Bit weird though, he normally doesn't miss a single moment of food time." I pulled out my phone and texted him, starting to worry.

Hey baby, where are you? I have something special for my valentine. :P

I waited and waited for a response, but nothing came. Then the bell rang and I had to head to class. Even if I didn't see him in lunch, I had to see him in Holocaust and Genocide. 

The day continued by much faster than I expected, and then came last period. 

Ms. Schwartz said she had a video to show us, so I sat back to not pay attention. 

When I heard Dean's voice in the video, however, I almost fell out of my seat. 

"So I bet you're wondering to yourself, hey what's this kid doing on our monitor? Go away kid! We want to learn!"

There was a location change so that Dean was standing in the hallway by my locker before moving down the hall and stopping right in front of the door to the classroom we have holoxaust and genocide in. 

"When approached about my plans for Valentines day, I realized that it could be very simple. Box of chocolates boom done. But them I realized that the guy I'm dating is worth so much more than that. So sorry for all of you who aren't lucky enough to be in love on Valentine's day, but there's a special question I have to ask him."

Right as the video ended, in strode Dean. His normally messy hair was slicked back and he wore a suit jacket, button down, and jeans. 

"My sweet valentine,  
One last rose for you". He kneeled down and for a moment my heart stopped. 

"Will you be,  
My prom date too?" I nodded furiously as our class clapped. He had even got our teacher in on this plan. 

"Yes you idiot!" I scolded, after a long kiss. 

"Where were you at lunch? I was worried sick!"

"I had to make sure everything was perfect."

Ms. Schwartz told us to take our seats before starting the real lesson. 

As always, Anna looked pissed. She was one of those anti-gay religious girls that were sprinkled throughout the school. 

The best part was that we were paired up for a project before me and Dean were a thing and she had a huge crush on me. I didn't notice at the time, but Dean told me it was pretty pathetic. 

After school had finished, Dean accompanied me to my locker. I pulled out a heart box of candy and gave it to him. 

"I know it's no dozen roses, but I thought you'd like it." I had taken out all the gross candy inside and replaced it with his favorite candies.

"It's perfect." He assured me, planting a kiss on my lips. 

"Now angel, we still have 4 hours before you have to pick Michael up. Are you up for some more Valentines day fun?" As he asked, he tugged at my waist. 

"What do you..." I stopped asking when I realized. 

"No one's gonna be at the apartment for another two hours." I replied with a devilish grin. He took my hand and nearly ran to his car. 

When we arrived, we found Sammy and Jessica making out. 

"Hey hey! No making out on baby!" He exclaimed, giving his brother a playful glare.

"Sammy, I'm going to hang out at Cas's today so I'll just drop you off." Sammy nodded in understanding and opened the door for Jess. 

"Are you guys doing anything for Valentine's day?" I asked the younger couple. They were only 16 but they looked so complete when they were near each other. 

"Well Sammy's taking me to see the Lego Movie and then afterwards we're getting ice cream where we had our first date." She smiled at him and I could tell it meant a lot to her. 

"What're you guys doing?" She asked in return. 

"Dean got me a dozen roses and now we're going to my place to...watch a movie." I must've stalled a little too much at the end because Jess started giggling and Sam groaned. 

"Really Dean?!" Sammy spat, in the disgusted little sibling way. 

"Hey, it's gonna be a great movie." He insisted, shooting me a wink. 

To the untrained ear, Sam would've sounded like he was in pain when he whined about not wanting to hear about his brother's sex life. But I couldn't help but hear a slight grate fullness in his voice. 

He was so happy that Dean was happy. Jess just laughed and grabbed Sam's arm so that he would get distracted. 

"So Sammy, our house or Jess's?" Dean asked as he stopped at a stop sign. 

To the left was Jess's house and to the right was his. "Let's go to our house, after all I want to get my beautiful valentine her present."

It was Dean's turn to groan now and I joined in. "You guys are too young to be this cute as a couple."

They ignored us, with Sam kissing Jess in the back. After another minute or so of non-stop making out we got to the house. 

"Get out of here! You guys are gross!" Dean mocked, winking at Sammy before pulling out of the driveway. 

"So the apartment's empty?" Dean asked, putting one hand on my thigh. 

"Stop Dean! You have to drive!" I cooed, as I grabbed my hand and interlocked it with his. 

It was another 5 minutes to get home but by then we both ran to the door. 

When we opened it, we were met with a surprise.

"Naomi what are you doing here?" All of the desire I felt for Dean draining along with the color on my face. 

"I came to apologize Castiel. To you and your brothers. And your...boyfriend." The words seemed to fight their way out of her. She'd never referred to Dean as my boyfriend before. 

"This is not something you can just apologize for." My eyes started to tear, but feeling Dean's hand in mine kept me strong. 

"I'm so sorry. Angel I didn't realize how much is miss you all until you were gone. This past month have been just miserable. I miss my family. I've started going to AA meetings. I'm trying to sober up."

She took a step closer to me, but I moved back.

"Look mother, if you truly are sorry, you need to arrange with Gabe a time for all of us to sit down and talk. I can't forgive you until we've talked everything over. Everything. So call Gabe. I'll tell him to let it happen. But don't think that things can go back to how they were."

There was a sad understanding in her eyes and I knew she was truly miserable. I should know, that's how she made me feel for years. 

Without another word, she left. As she went, she left a letter on the table which had Michael's name on it. 

"I'm sorry Dean, I wanted to...but now I'm just not in the mood."

He just squeezed my hand and pulled it up to his lips. "I understand Cas, how about we actually watch a movie?"

I nodded, but my head felt heavy. Naomi always showed up at the worst times. 

"We can even watch one of your frilly romcoms." I laughed at that. Dean likes to pretend he's all manly and masculine but he secretly loves chick flicks. 

"How about we watch love actually?" Dean gave me a weird look.

"Isn't that a Christmas movie baby?" I shot him my puppy dog eyes and he just gave in. 

Popping it in, he sat next to me and I rested my head on his chest. 

Meg first showed me this movie and I just loved it. Probably because of Martin Freeman but who knows. 

About 15 minutes from the end of the movie, Luke got home. Followed closely by Gabe. It was only 5 but they were really anxious to pick up Mike. I have to admit I was too.

When the movie was over, I volunteered to make some dinner. Everyone else piled into the living room and started watching whatever was on tv. There was some football game or something. Sports were never my area of expertise.

I made a simple dinner of chicken and rice. It didn't take long, but I had to make a lot. I also made a bit extra in case Mike was hungry when he got home. 

"Dinner's ready!" I shouted, not getting much response until commercial. 

When we all sat down, I smiled at them as we dug in. We had a lot more family dinners now a days and we finally felt like a real family. 

Dean offered to do the dishes when we were done, which was already very suspicious. He put on a face of innocence but I didn't believe it for a second. It got even more suspicious when Luke joined him. Those boys were up to something. 

Shrugging, I walked away, choosing to ignore them. 

At 7 we all piled into the car to get Mike. Gabe had borrowed one of his friend's mini van so we could all fit. The rise to the airport seemed agonizingly long. Especially for Luke. 

But soon enough we were at the airport and private Michael Novak was off the plane. We almost knocked him over with the force of our hugs. 

Being tall and really buff from training barely helped him remain standing. Luke was the happiest of ever seen him. 

After about 10 minutes of hugging and observations, we decided it was time for Mike to meet Dean. 

"Hey Mike, this is Dean Winchester. He's my boyfriend." I was nervous about him meeting Dean but I trusted Dean to do well. 

"So you're the guy who we're letting date my baby brother." At first he looked angry, but then his frown turned to a smile and he held out his hand for a handshake. 

"I'm sure that if Cassie likes you that you're a good match. But hurt him and I and licensed to carry a firearm at all times." He laughed after that and Dean joined him. 

"Let's go home guys, I'm starving." Mike put his arm around Luke and we all wondered back to the mini van. 

"Mike if you're hungry, I made chicken and rice." 

"Sounds delicious little brother. I can't wait to have some. It's good to be home. To be here with you guys."

We all nodded and I felt myself getting very sleepy. Dean put his arm around me and I felt myself drift off. This was a great day, and I fell asleep with a smile.


	12. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I recently started college and hit a bit of a writing block. I'm sorry if this chapter isn't as good as the others.

February 22, 2014 Day 92

Having Mike home has been great! We had a great talk about Dean while he drove me to therapy. Even my therapist could tell that having him home was doing wonders for me. Luke was even bearable now that Mike was home.

Mike seemed to love Dean, he really thought that he was a good match for his little brother.

It was the greatest day in a while, that eighth day Mike was home. He seemed a bit stiffer and more reserved, but he was home. 

The first thing we did was have his famous egg and bacon breakfast sandwiches. The trick is to cut up the bacon and cook it with the eggs. It felt like we were a real family for the first time in a while.

After breakfast, Mike asked me to help with the dishes so I could have a chance to explain what he missed while he was gone.

“Tell me Cassie, from the start. I want to know everything.” His smile was so genuine and excited when I got to the part about Dean.

Before Dean came along I had nothing to look forward to. I know it’s cheesy but every single day is more worth living because he’s in my life.

“Do you love him?” He asked, putting down the dish he was drying and turning to me. It surprised me how easy a question that was to answer.

“With all of my heart.” His arms opened wide, and he pulled me into a tight hug. 

“I’m so happy that you’re happy Cassie. I worried that I would get a call…well I’m happy that I don’t have to worry anymore.”

I wrapped up my story, and he seemed satisfied. Although a bit surprised at the Luke and Meg part.

“It’s weird but I really think that she’s making him better. He always would just yell and push people away, but ever since they started going out he seems to be in a better mood. He’s walking on clouds since you’re home.”

The clean dishes were piling up, so I took a pile and went towards the cabinet to put them away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a white envelope. 

“I almost forgot. Naomi left this for you.” After the dishes were all done, I grabbed the letter and handed it to him.

“I wonder what it is.” He mumbled, ripping into the side and pulling out a letter.

His eyes scanned the page and seemed to absorb the words. His expression grew darker and angrier before he tore the letter in half and threw it in the trash.

“What was that all about?” I asked, wondering what could possibly illicit such a strong reaction from my brother, the soldier.

“It was nothing squirt, just some stupid letter. Why don’t you go get dressed and we’ll all go to a movie together or something.

I didn’t argue with him, but I could tell something was very wrong. When I came back to the kitchen, he was nowhere to be seen. 

Reaching into the garbage, I pulled out the torn pieces of the letter. It didn’t take long to puzzle the pieces back together.

“Dear Mike,  
You may not remember me, or what I look like but I’m your father. You have every right to hate me, after all I left you and your brothers alone with that monster of a woman, but please hear me out. I’ll be at the Lawrence diner at noon. Meet me there please. I will buy you a cup of coffee and I hope you will let me explain. I never meant to hurt any of you. See you there?  
Your father,  
Chuck Novak”

I started shaking as I finished the letter. Dad. My dad. The man who abandoned us when I was 3 years old. How could he…How dare he…

Before I even knew what I was doing, my hand was on my phone.

“Dean? Sorry to wake you babe. Actually no I’m not, it’s 11:53 in the morning. Yeah I know, beauty rest. Anyway, could you maybe give me a ride? The diner. Right now. It’s really important. Thank you so much. See you in a bit. Yes. Love you too. Bye.”

Why I was doing this was an excellent question that I couldn’t even think about an answer to. I was so full of anger and rage and hope and confusion. I have never been this angry in my life. 

This was the man who left me with the woman who taught me that what I was, was unholy and sinful. I don’t even remember his face, or his voice.

Dean arrived at about 11:58 still in his pajamas. I gave him a quick kiss as I sat down in the passenger seat.

“Okay spill Cas, what’s this about?” He remarked, not looking at me so he could back out. Once we were on the road, he pressed again.

“Come on Cas, it clearly has you upset. I don’t like seeing you like that baby.” His free hand came and intertwined with mine and I realized it was stupid not to tell him.  
But of course, I’m a stupid person.

“I want to get Mike a gift card to the diner before he gets back from the store. He really liked it when we were here last before the move.” Lying had always been a superpower of mine and it always left a small pain in my gut.

I don’t know why I didn’t tell Dean the truth and I don’t know why he so blindly believed me.

I didn’t have time to think and focus on my growing guilt. When we got there it was 12:04, and I waved Dean off and said that I’d call him when I was done because I had other shopping to do.

He just kissed me goodbye and drove off, unaware of my lies. God I love that boy.

Mike sat in a booth in the corner, so I decided to be brave for once in my life and I approached him.

Walking closer, I reached out and tapped him on the shoulder. I must have set off a military instinct they taught him at boot camp because he had my arm twisted behind my back before I could explain myself.

“Cas?!” He exclaimed, his tone a mix of disappointment and anger. 

“Did you read my letter?” He wondered angrily.

“I got curious and then I saw it was from…Dad!” A man with brown shaggy hair stood in front of me and Michael.

“Boys.” A broken voice responded.

My eyes started blurring as angry tears filled my eyes. I probably would’ve caused a huge scene if Mike hadn’t grabbed my hand and guided me to sit.

“I received your letter. You have about 5 minutes to state your case. When I finish the cup of coffee I order, if you have not done a sufficient job, we will leave. Do you even know which one he is?”

I was surprised at the bitter tone in Mike’s voice as he asked that. Dad just looked down and responded quietly, “Castiel.”

That was the first time I ever heard my father speak my name. It was the first time I was seeing this man. 

He had a scruffy beard and shorter shaggy brown hair. I could see now where Gabe got his eyes from.

“You’re time starts now.” Mike said, coldly. He pulled out his iphone and started the countdown.

“Jesus kid, what do I say?” He started, seeming to search for a starting point. “I’m sorry. That’s what I say. I saw just how terrible Naomi was and I thought only about myself. I  
had to get out, but I never realized my biggest mistake was leaving you 4 in.”

“Look, I just sold one of my books to a publisher and they say it’ll be huge. I think I can finally have enough money to support the family…my family. If you will only let me. I know life with Naomi has been unpleasant but please let me spend at least some time with my boys.”

“Unpleasant?! Unpleasant?!!” I squeezed Mike’s arm to remind him of where we were. His anger didn’t calm but his voice did quiet.

“That woman was a she devil. Do you know anything of what happened in our lives without you? Cas almost killed himself twice. She physically abused Luke. She mentally and verbally abused both Gabe and I, and you say that life with her was unpleasant. I’ve always been told I look so much like my father, you can’t imagine what an insult that is.”

Dad just sat there, mindlessly stirring his coffee. “She…I didn’t know how bad…Castiel, you?...I’m so sorry boys. If I had known…If I had had any idea just how awful things were, I would’ve never left you behind.”

His words sounded truly genuine, but Mike was still angry. He didn’t seem to care what he said. A pretty young girl walked up and took our order. I felt bad for her because she was obviously trying to flirt with Michael but he wasn’t noticing.

“Do you even think how you leaving would hurt all of us? I was fucking 15 and suddenly had to take care of my four little brothers. Mom was never there when they needed her. You put that crap on me. I love my brothers, but I was too young to grow up. I should’ve been going to parties and being a teenager, but no. You stole that part of my life from me.”

This was the first time I had ever heard Mike curse, or even get so angry. I placed a hand on his shoulder, trying my best to silently calm him.

“I get it, I shouldn’t have left. I know that now. Back then I didn’t think about the effect it would have on anyone but myself. I was selfish and stupid and wrong. My biggest regret in life is not taking you boys with me.”

The waitress came back then with 2 coffees and a tea. I stirred my tea quietly, contemplating what I could possibly say. The phone buzzed and I realized that it was now or never.

“Dad.” I muttered in my focused thinking.

“Yes Castiel?” He asked, his voice starting to grow weak.

“You can’t change that you left us behind. You can’t change the nightmare of a childhood I had. What you can change is from here on. Tell us how you’ll make our futures better and if I think that’s the future I want, than you can get back in my life at least. I can’t speak for Luke or Gabe, or even Michael.”

He looked at me with a sort of determination in his eyes. 

“If you give me the opportunity, we could work our way up to being a family. I’m a stranger to you and Luke, and I’d like to change that. I would suggest that we have dinner together every Friday night and maybe get to know each other more. Plus now that my book has sold and seems to be becoming more popular, I’ll be in a good place to help you go to college. If that’s what you want. I know that I fucked up pretty bad, but all I want is to be with my boys again. If you’ll let me.”

I looked to Michael for approval before agreeing. He just shrugged, an aura of intense anger radiating around him. “I leave back to base a week anyway so what do I care.”

“This Friday, where would you like to eat and when?” I asked, still looking at Michael.

He thought for a bit before responding. “How about 7 here at the diner?”

“Sounds good, but I have one condition. Each and every Friday night I will bring my boyfriend to dinner.” I made eye contact and drove my point in.

“Castiel, this is meant to be a family thing. I’m sure that once we get more comfortable around each other he can come.” He tried to sound sorry.

“Dean is my family, more family to me than you’ve been. So he comes or no one does.” I knew that if Dean was there I’d have an easier time forgetting and forgiving.

“Well if he means that much to you, then of course he’s welcome.” His smile seemed a bit forced but that was to be expected. I’m surprised he didn’t just decide against his plans once he found out I was gay.

It was easier to say now, that I had escaped Naomi. Dean and I always talked about how hard it had been when we first got together. Now we’re inseparable.

Even though Dean is bisexual and not gay, he still struggles with it sometimes. He tries to not let me see how it gets to him when people make comments.

There was one time about a week ago when we were on a date at the movies and some old man told us that we were a sin. Dean made some snide comment to the guy’s face but I could see the hurt in the darkness of the theatre.

I know it’s probably my depression eating away at me, but sometimes I feel like Dean deserves someone better. Someone not me.

Mike shook my arm to bring me back to discussion. “Chuck asked if you would talk to Luke and Gabriel on his behalf since I refuse to.”

“Stop it Mike. You are 28, stop acting like a child. He’s trying his best to apologize and you’re making it hard on him. I don’t care how you feel about the past. This is the present.”

He stared at me in shock and I was a bit shocked myself. But he was being childish.

Chuck laughed as we both just stared at each other. “You both grew into such good men. I’m sorry I’m only seeing it for the first time now.”

“Look Chuck, I will come to these two dinners until I leave back to duty. Cas is right and I’ve been childishly judging you on your past actions. But if you cause this family any more pain, I will never allow you to see any of my brothers ever again.”

Michael was a fair bit taller than Chuck standing, and definitely had more muscle. Chuck just took a deep breath and agreed.

He extended his hand to Michael in a friendly shake. “If it’s too late to be your father, I’d love to be your friend.”

Michael took his hand but it was a very military shake, no emotion or acceptance. If I hadn’t already pressed my luck with Michael’s patience I might have groaned at his behavior.

After we parted our separate ways, I expected Michael to yell at me for following him; or for challenging him.

Instead, we just sat on the side walk.

“Cas was I a good big brother to you?” He asked, him hands interlocked in front of his face.

“Michael? Yes of course. Why are you even asking that?” I tried to make eye contact, but he was desperately avoiding my gaze.

“I ran off. I got fed up and I ran off. Just like him.” I was completely and utterly confused.

“When did you run off?” My voice reflected my confusion.

“I ran off to boot camp. I couldn't take it anymore. I was only 15 when he left, and suddenly I was in charge of 3 younger kids. I had to take over because if I didn’t Mom would’ve let you starve.”

It had always been a source of guilt for Cas, just how much his brothers had sacrificed for him.

“You didn’t just run off to escape. Even if you did, you’re protecting us still. And now you’re not only protecting us but millions of people. He ran off for himself, you ran off to help others.”

“But I still ran off.” He declared, a deep regret shaking his voice.

“Don’t ever think that you just ran off Michael. You are a soldier now, and I am so proud to say that. My brother, the soldier, who protects everyone he cares about and more. You’re my hero Michael, and nothing could ever change that.”

Suddenly, he pulled me into a tight hug.

“How did you get so wise little boy?” He questioned, tears causing him to shake a bit.

I wrapped my arms around him, returning the gesture. “I learned from the best.”

We stayed like that for a few moments before my phone started to ring.

Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no…

“Dean? Oh yeah, Michael decided to join me shopping so you don’t need to drive me home. Yeah. See you tomorrow baby.”  
Michael made a disgusted sound followed by, “Your relationship is grossly cute. Work on that.”

In response, I stuck my tongue out and stood up.

“Since I already told Dean I was shopping lets go do some shopping. I’m not letting any brother of mine look so disheveled on his 2 weeks home.”

The rest of the day consisted of me and Michael combing through the thrift stores near the high school.

We found him several flannel shirts and a nice pair of jeans. I’d happily say that by the end he almost looked like a normal well-dressed man.

Luke was asleep on the couch when we got back to the apartment, so naturally Michael wet willied him. That boy sure knows his fair share of bad words, let me just tell you.

“WHAT THE FUCK!!” He screamed, jumping up and clutching his ear.

“Never fall asleep where I can get to you little bro.” Good thing Mike is fast because I’m pretty sure Luke would’ve broken some bones if he’d caught him.

“Where’s Gabe?” I asked, going into the kitchen to grab an apple.

“He got called into work. Some emergency or something.” Nodding, I sat on the couch where Luke had recently been sleeping.

I don’t think I ever mentioned this, but Gabe is a 911 dispatch operator. His work days are long and tedious, but I think he’s grown a sense of responsibility from it.

Luke decided to make dinner, so Mike and I laid back. He pulled a movie off the rack and popped it in, but I didn’t really pay attention. I think it might have been Saving Private Ryan. 

My phone buzzed, and I reached into my pocket to retrieve it. 

‘Dinner? You, me, candlelight?’

I smiled at the text, then frowned. As much as I wanted to go have dinner with Dean, Michael was home. The time I had left with him was limited before he went back to base.

‘Sorry, I just want to spend as much time with Mike as I can. Raincheck?’

I pressed send and awaited a reply, hoping that he wouldn’t get annoyed.

‘No problem babe, tell Mike I say hi.’

A sigh of relief escaped my lips and I kicked Mike gently in the side.

“Dean says hi.” I said through a big smile.

It made me extremely happy to know that all of my siblings get along with my boyfriend. I was worried what Mike might think. He had grown up with homophobia long before I realized I was gay.

“Tell him hey, and he’s welcome to join us for dinner if he wants.” He raised his voice a bit before saying, “I’m sure Lucifer wouldn’t mind whipping up a few more tacos.”

Luke just marched into the living room with his apron on. “Oh great, more mouths to feed. If you want to feed him, you’re doing dishes.”

I just stuck my tongue out at him. Being the child he is, he reciprocated and we both laughed.

‘Mike said hey and you can come over for dinner if you want. :)”

It didn’t take long for him to respond. 

‘Sorry babe, Dad just stormed in about some family dinner or something. But hey, how about you come over for a family dinner tomorrow? My dad never really got a chance to officially meet you.”

I took a deep breath and reread the text. Being so at ease around my family, Dean sometimes made me forget that he had a family of his own.

‘Will Jess be there?’

It was a strange text to send, but I would find comfort in Jess being there. I would feel like too much of an outsider on my own.

‘Sammy said she’s cool with it. Are you?’

“What’s wrong Cas? You look shitty.” Luke observed, walking over to the recliner to sit down.

“It’s nothing. Dean just invited me over for a family dinner.” It was hard pretending like the thought of that didn’t terrify me.

When Dean met Naomi, everything was fucked up. John reminds me of her a bit.

“Well tell him yes. He’s met all of your family. It’s about time you spent some time with his.”

I hated it when Luke made sense.

‘Yeah sure. I’ll be there.”

The rest of the night seemed to blur together. Anxiety and fear overtook me. 

If John decided he didn’t like me, he could make it exceedingly difficult for Dean to see me.  
Tomorrow I had to be on my best behavior. Tomorrow I meet the man who beat my boyfriend.

Tomorrow…


End file.
